A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
This is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of NavalOperations, 10-10-95, MSG#H0000115020ecb52EMHS #1: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision."#2: "Recommend that you change YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."#1: "This is the captain of a U.S. navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."#2: "No, I say again divert YOUR course."#1: "This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise, we are a large warship of the U.S. navy. Divert your course NOW!"#2: "This is a lighthouse. Your call?"
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest but writers cramp.
Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.
Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to level 4.
A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks:
- Is God male or female?
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds:
- Well God is both male and female.
This confuses the little boy, so he asks:
- Is God black or white?
- Well, God is both black and white.
This further confuses the boy so he asks:
- Is God gay or straight?
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless:
- Honey, God is both gay and straight.
At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks:
- Is God Michael Jackson?
Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for '96. The only Thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. First, he threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window over 200 yards away --ka-boom! Next, he threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away--ka-blooey!
Then, a car passes going 90 miles an hour-- bulls-eye! Another grenade right into the barely open window.
- I've got to get this guy, - Al says to himself.
- He has the perfect arm!
So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all NFL records for completed passes, accuracy and touchdowns. The Raiders go on to handily win the Super Bowl.
The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl XXXI, and When Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.
Al arranges for the call and hands the phone to his young quarterback:
- Mom, - the young man says into the receiver.
- I just won the Super Bowl!
- I don't want to talk to you, - the old woman says.
- You deserted us. You're no longer my son.
- I don't think you understand, mother - the young man pleads.
- I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans.
- No, let me tell you, - the mother implores.
- At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight.... The old lady pauses, in tears......
- I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!
Three nun's were touring the local zoo one sunny afternoon having a picnic. While wandering around, they entered the monkey house.
Unfortunately, one of the nuns got to close to the gorilla cage and he pulled her inside. He savagely beat and raped the nun. It took 4 guards to pull the nun to safety. The nun spent three months in the hospital recovering and then was sent to a convent in England, for six months, to recover emotionally.
Amazingly, the same three nuns met up again the next year in the park. The younger of the two asked her if she minded talking about the experience in the zoo.
She said:
- Of course not.
The younger nun asked:
- Did it hurt?
The sister replied:
- Of course! He never called and he never wrote.
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'em till I run him off or kill 'im, but I AM KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting -- the bull's equivalent of an Ape's beating his chest or Man's bone-chilling, war-like cry of "Stay away from my Woman, Vato!!
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.
"Third Bull: "Hell , Mister, he can have ALL MY COWS.
I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"
One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.
Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.
- Excuse me, - our man stammered, but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is.
- Yeah? So? - his hulking neighbor replied.
- Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts.
The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.
- OK, - the husband says gruffly, for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits.
At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.
- Well, come on already, kiss 'em! - he growls.
- I can't - replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.
- Why not? - demands the husband, getting really angry now.
- I don't have ten thousand dollars!
