Worst jokes

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
→ Stick his bill up his ass!

What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
→ A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked:

- How much is 2 + 2?

The housewife replies:

- Four!

The accountant says:

- I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time.

The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice:

- How much do you want it to be?

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.

- Tim, you be first - she said.

- What does your mother do all day?

Tim stood up and proudly said:

- She's a doctor.

- That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said:

- My father is a mailman.

- Thank you, Amie - said the teacher.

- What about your father, Billy?

Billy proudly stood up and announced:

- My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation. Billy's father said:

- I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said:

- I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?

St. Peter replied:

- Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!

You know you're a redneck if your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.

You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.

"Three Men And A Baby"
→ What you get when four men go fishing and one comes back not catching anything.

A male-to-female transexual was recently interviewed on a radio talk show.

The DJ asked the transexual about what, if any, pain the person experienced during the operation.

The transexual replied:

- Well, when they cut my penis off, that really didn't hurt too much. Even when they implanted the breasts in my chest, well, that really didn't hurt too much either....

- Then you didn't experience any real physical pain at all then?

- Hell no! It hurt like hell when they stuck that big fucking needle in my head and sucked out all my brains and then cut my salary in half!

You know you're a redneck when you lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.