Worst jokes

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:

- If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a news release stating:

- If GM had developed technology like Microsoft we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

- For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day

- Every time you painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car

- Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on

- Occasionally executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you'd have to reinstall the engine

- Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats

- MacIntosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5 per cent of the roads

- The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light

- New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt

- The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off

- Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna

- GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary) even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more (Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department)

- Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car

- You'd press the start button to shut off the engine

A man swallowed a mouse while sleeping on the couch one day. His wife quickly called the doctor and said:

- Doctor, please come quickly. My husband just swallowed a mouse and he's gagging and thrashing about.

- I'll be right over - the doctor said.

- In the meantime, keep waving a piece of cheese over his mouth to try to attract the mouse up and out of there.

When the doctor arrived, he saw the wife waving a piece of smoked herring over her husband's mouth.

- Uhh, I told you to use cheese, not herring, to lure the mouse.

- I know, doc - she replied.

- but first I've got to get the darn cat out of him!

A man goes to the doctor and says:

- Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?

- I think that is a wise decision - the doctor replies.

- Let's see, do you smoke?

- Oh.. Half a pack a day.

- Starting NOW, no more smoking.

The man agrees.

The doctor then asks:

- Do you drink?

- Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while.

- Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions.

The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.

The doctor asks:

- How do you eat?

- Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff.

- Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese.

The man is now really worried.

- Doc, is all this really necessary?

- Do you want to live long?

- Yes.

- Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet.

The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues:

- Do you have sex?

- Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife! - he adds hurriedly.

- As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None.

The man is appalled.

- Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?

- I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you it is going to seem like an eternity!

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

- Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday - she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

- I can't - says the woman.

- That's the only night I'm home with my husband!

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her:

- There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?

- Well - she said a little sheepishly.

- my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night.

- That's got to be it - said the doctor.

- There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know.

- Not if you're going to watch T.V. there ain't - she replied.

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

- What are you doing here today?

- Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it.

- Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

- Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?

- [shaking her head with mouth closed] Unh unh.

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:

- Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said:

- There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down.

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball with an onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.

- How's your sex life? - the doctor asked.

- Pretty good - the man said, to the doctor's relief.

But then he added:

- I've had some strange side effects.

- What's that? - the doctor asked anxiously.

- Well, every time I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on!

A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lays there, a man in a white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves.

This happens a second time.

The third time this happens, she says:

- Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?

The man replies:

- Don't ask me lady. I'm just a painter!

Doctor, don't cut so deep. That's the third operating table you've ruined this month!