Worst jokes

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said:

- I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking.

- In that case - said the patient.

- I'll come back when you're sober!

Surgeon General C. Everett Koop, in conjunction with research associate Dr. Ed Bluestone of the Surgeon General's office, has compiled for non-confidential distribution a list of activities which, while not definitely linked to death or established as causative factors in any specific form of physical or physiological deterioration, have been determined through exhaustive reiteration to be detrimental to the human condition and specifically to the welfare of their perpetrator.

While implementation of any of these activities is not specifically illegal as cited by state or federal jurisdictions, engagement in any of said activities could very probably be construed as a gross breach of common etiquette constraints and/or moral codes and analogs.

Widespread or accelerated participation in any of the listed activities by an increasing or superannuated segment of the population would be frowned on by and erosive to all reasonable, respected, and stalwart facets of American society.

The Surgeon General warns:

1. Never raise your hand during a hijacking to indicate that you get a kosher meal.
2. Never ask a bald man if you can borrow his toupee to clean your windshield.
3. Never moon a werewolf.
4. Never squeeze a parakeet to death while screaming, "I want the name of your accomplice!"
5. Never threaten to punish your Dalmation with spot remover.
6. Never use a bulldog as a surrogate mother.
7. Never hire an attorney who can discuss specific episodes of The Flintstones.
8. Never trust an Oriental dentist who sells miniature ivory animals.
9. Never ask a dog with rabies if he would like you to floss his teeth.
10. Never believe your dog when he tells you that while you were out, your parents came over and drank water out of your toilet.
11. Never take a cockroach hostage and expect anyone to negotiate with you.
12. Never walk your dog around someone else's living room with a pooper scooper in your hand.
13. Never say to a lobster before you boil him, "Let me know if your bath is too hot."
14. Never tell an IRS auditor that if he doesn't leave you alone, you plan to cheat again next year.
15. Never tell Yasser Arafat that you think Newark should be the Palestinian homeland.

A woman goes to a doctor with a problem. She's sat on the chair next to the doctor, and she's very hesitant about describing her problem. Eventually, the doctor manages to discover that she thinks she may be sexually perverted.

- What sort of perversion are you talking about? - asks the doctor.

- Well - said the woman.

- I like to be... Ohh... Ah... Ummm... I'm sorry doctor, but I'm too ashamed to talk about it.

- Come, come, my dear. I'm a doctor you know; I've been trained to understand these problems. So what's the matter...?

So the woman again tried to explain, but got so embarrassed that she just turned bright red and looked as though she might faint. It was then the doctor had a bright idea.

- Look - he said.

- I'm a bit of a pervert myself. So if you show me what your perversion is, I'll show you what mine is. Okay? Is it a deal?

The woman considered the offer and after a short while agreed that it was a fair request. So after a slight pause, she said:

- Well my perversion is... My perversion... Oh... I like to be kissed on the bottom!

- Shit, is that ALL! - said the doctor.

- Look, go behind that screen, take all your clothes off, and I'll come round and show you what MY perversion is! Hee Hee!

So the woman does as she is told and undresses behind the screen. She gets down on all fours thinking to herself:

- Hmmmm, perhaps he might kiss me on the bum.

Anyway, five minutes pass and nothing has happened. So the woman peers around the side of the screen to see the doctor sitting behind his desk, his feet up on the table, reading a newspaper and whistling to himself.

- Hey! - shouted the woman.

- I thought you said you were a pervert?

- Oh I am - said the doctor.

- I've just shit in your handbag!

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said:

- Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.

- That is very kind of you - said the doctor emotionally, and then added:

- Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change...

True story: About a week ago, I broke my ankle (in three places) and was in the hospital for several days. My first night in the hospital, after having surgery to rejoin my bones with pins and plates and such, I was in a great deal of pain and quite immobile. My nurse for that first night was a very nice 50ish lady with a strong German accent.

At one point in the middle of the night, she came in to give me a shot of morphine. She asked where I would like the shot and I pointed to my right thigh. I slid my blankets down and she lifted my gown.

With my gown raised, she uttered the words:

- Okay, small prick

and proceeded with the injection.

I'm still not sure whether her words were meant to warn me of the upcoming pain or as an editorial comment.

A Soviet emigre woman comes to a gynecologist and complains:

- Doctor, when I wasn't married, I had six abortions, and now I got married and can't get pregnant.

- Well - said the doctor.

- It's possible you don't breed in captivity!

A woman comes to a gynecologist for a checkup. She seems to be very embarrassed and uncomfortable.

- Haven't you been examined like this before? - asks the doctor.

- Many times - she giggles - but never by doctor!

A man comes to an Italian doctor because of sore throat. The doctor tells him to pull down his pants and to swing his genitals in the window.

- What does this have to do with my throat?

- Nothing, I just hate the neighbors!

One Polish surgeon asks another:

- How did that appendectomy go?

- Appendectomy? - shrieks the other.

- I though it was an autopsy!

My friend is so stupid:

• He sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
• He thought a quarterback was a refund.
• He tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
• He thought General Motors was in the army.
• He thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
• He tripped over a cordless phone.
• Wrote "Taurus" where it said "sign here."
• He thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.