A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm by a bee. She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She asks:
- Is anyone here a doctor.
One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says:
- I'm a doctor, what can I help you with?
- I've been stung by a bee.
- Oh really, where?
- Between the first and second hole
- Well, first of all, your stance is too wide...
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says:
- Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?
Little Johnny waves his hand:
- Me, miss, me, me!
Teacher says:
- All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?
Little Johnny says:
- Mas-tur-bate.
Teacher smiles and says:
- Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.
Little Johnny says:
- No, miss, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about a wank.
Mr. Smith was brought to a Catholic hospital, and taken quickly in for heart surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Nun, who was waiting by his bed.
- Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine - said the nun, gently patting his hand.
- We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?
- No, I'm not - the man whispered hoarsely.
- Then can you pay in cash? - persisted the nun.
- I'm afraid I cannot, Sister.
- Well, do you have any close relatives? - the nun questioned sternly.
- Just my sister in New Mexico - he volunteered.
- But she's a humble spinster nun.
- Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God!
- Really? - said Mr. Smith.
- In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law!
A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who was already speaking.
- Yes - the pet store owner said.
- this bird has a vocabulary of about 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions.
The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back and said the parrot had yet to say a word.
- That's to be expected - said the pet shop owner.
- Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you.
Toys were purchased and a day went by. The parrot's owner returned and said there still had been no talking.
- I see - said the pet shop owner.
- Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it.
A bird bath was purchased and yet another day went by. The next day the owner was back with the same complaint. This time the pet shop owner mentioned that sometimes the bird had been praised in its training by being allowed to ring a little bell.
The parrot's owner bought the bell reluctantly. The following day the parrot's owner was there waiting as the store opened.
- Still no luck? - asked the store owner.
- No. Nothing said yet - answered the bird's owner.
- Well, I bet the bird's just lonesome for some of the birds here at the shop.
- What? You want me to buy another bird!?! - yelped the unhappy owner of the parrot.
- No, no, calm down - reassured the store owner.
- All you have to do is get a mirror and the bird will think it has a companion.
At last the sale of a mirror was agreed upon. The pet store owner the next day opened the store and found the troublesome customer had returned ... this time with the parrot, only it was dead!
- What happened? - asked the store owner.
- Didn't the bird ever talk?
- Yes, right before it died it said: What's the matter? Don't they sell birdseed at the pet store anymore?
Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist.
As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.
The dentist says:
- Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates.
The woman replies:
- Yes... And we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we...
A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression.
On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "HONDA." The man was besides himself. Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA"....
Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physicians aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out.
Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist. Well, although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway.
Lo and behold, the dentist said:
- Ah, there's the problem!
- What is it? - the man asked.
- Why you have an abscess - said the dentist.
- An abscess? How could that be causing my problem? - asked the man.
- That's easy - replied the dentist.
- Why everyone knows... Abscess makes the fart go Honda! (peeeeeeeeyeeeeeeeeew...hahahahahah)
What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you have a sexually transmitted disease?
→ Having your dentist tell you!
One day, a man walked into the dentist's office for some dental work.
The dentist said:
- Sir, you have a tooth I must pull, What type of pain killer would you like?
The man looked at the dentist and said:
- None, thanks, I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life.
The dentist said:
- Sir, pulling this tooth Will be painful, I suggest a painkiller.
The man looked back at the dentist and said:
- I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, Nothing else will ever compare.
The dentist said:
- Sir, I'm telling you, use a painkiller.
The man again said to the dentist:
- I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, I do not need painkillers, now pull the tooth.
The dentist then said:
- Okay, You asked for it, But first, tell me what was the second greatest pain in your life?
The man said:
- Yes, I remember it well. I was hunting in some woods north of here one snowy day. Walking through the woods, the urge came upon me and I headed over to a tree. Well, I started to do my thing, and when the first part dropped, It set off a large bear trap that was hidden in the snow that closed on my balls. That was the second greatest pain in my life.
The dentist then said:
- Ouch! But then what was the first greatest pain in your life?
The man replied:
- When I reached the end of the chain.
Dr. Dave's Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer.
Dentist begging the patient:
- Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
- Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time.
- There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game!
