Worst jokes

You know you're not a kid anymore when...

- You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

- You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

- Your back goes out more than you do.

- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

- You are proud of your lawn mower.

- Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.

- You call Olan Mills before they call you.

- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

- You sing along with the elevator music.

- You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

- You make an appointment to see the dentist.

- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

- Neighbors borrow your tools.

- People call at 9 pm and ask:

- did i wake you?

- You have dreams about prunes.

- You answer a question with:

- because i said so!

- You send money to PBS.

- The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

- You take a metal detector to the beach.

- You wear black socks with sandals.

- You know what the word "equity" means.

- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.

- Your ears are hairier than your head.

- You talk about "good grass" and you're refering to someone's lawn.

- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

- You got cable for the weather channel. (uncle calls the weather channel "old folks MTV."

- You go bowling without drinking.

- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

With all due respect, President Clinton was telling the truth when he said he was not having sex with that woman... Of course he was referring to Hillary!

What do John Elway, Art Modell, and O.J. Simpson all have in common?
→ They all killed the Browns!

There was this boy that lived with his mother.

One night the boy woke up and went to the restroom and on his way he passed his mothers room and looked in and saw his mom rubbing her breasts and saying:

- I NEED A MAN. Then he went to bed.

The next night the same thing happened, she was there rubbing her breasts and saying:

- I NEED A MAN.

On the third night the woman had a man in bed with her when the son looked in.

Right away the boy went to his room and stood in front of the mirror rubbing hiself and saying....:

- I NEED A BIKE..........

Why do they manufacture perfumed bathroom tissue when our noses are on our faces?

Bill, Hillary and Chelsea Clinton are on Air Force One.

Bill says to Hillary:

- I could make a lot of people very happy if I threw 1 million $1 bills out of this plane.

Hillary says:

- Oh yeah, well I could make even more people happy if I threw 1 million $5 bills out of this plane.

Chelsea says:

- I could make the whole world happy if I threw you both out of this plane!

To cut off a blonde's ears, put razor blades on each shoulder and ask the blond a question.

Automatically the blonde will shake her head from shoulder to shoulder saying:

- I don't know.

What do you call a pregnant Black woman?
→ A dope carrier!

If a man talking dirty to a woman is sexual harassment, what do you call a woman talking dirty to a man?
→ $3.99 a minute!

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge:

- Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?

The judge said that was true.

- Does this mean I cannot call a pig, 'Mrs. Johnson'? - the man asked.

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said...:

- Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson!