Worst jokes

What protection does a nymphomaniac use during sex?
→ A bus shelter.

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar:

• Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
• Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
• Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

- Yes? - she inquires with a knowing smile - can I help you?

- I was wondering - whispers the man - are you the one who gives the hand jobs?

- Yes - she purrs - I am.

The man replies:

- Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.

He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself:

- He is such a sweet and gentle man, but he would never go for this carrying on.

So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.

Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.

So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. She putt-putted all the way home, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control any lingering effects.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly:

- Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a rotten egg gone worse.

When her husband returned, he instructed her to remove her blindfold. And when she did, 50 people around her said:

- Surprise!

Capitalism, Socialism, and Communism have a meeting for tea at noon.

Capitalism and Communism arrive on time, but Socialism is nowhere to be found. Finally he arrives, out of breath and apologetic.

- I'm sorry - says Socialism - I was standing in line for sausage.

Capitalism says:

- What's a line?

And Communism says:

- What's a sausage?

What happens when you have:

• 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
• 2 French men and 1 French woman
• 2 German men and 1 German woman
• 2 Greek man and 1 Greek woman
• 2 English men and 1 English woman
• 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
• 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
• 2 American men and 1 American woman
• 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage ? trois.

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.

The 2 American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.

The 2 Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any!

What do a redneck divorce and a tornado have in common?
→ Either way somebody loses a trailer home!

You know you're a redneck if your wife wants to take a bath but you have to move the transmision from the tub first.

You know you're a red neck when you go to family reunions to pick up chicks!

If you've been married three times and your in-laws aint changed then you might just be a redneck.

If a sign reads say no to crack and you pull up your pants then you might just be a redneck.

You know you are redneck when you mow your lawn and find a car.

You know you are redneck when your favorite shirt is illegal in more then 15 states.

You know you are redneck when you shut your car door and your gun makes you a sun-roof.

You know you are redneck when your friends go water skiing while you are towing your boat to the lake.

You might be a redneck if your exhaust system incorporates more than three wire hangers and at least two juice cans.

You might be a redneck if you think "fat-free" means undoing your belt and the first 3 buttons.

You know you're a redneck when you think marriage vows are what your father-in-law promised to do to you if you didn't marry his daughter.

You might be a redneck if an intimate evening at home consists of sharing the remote.

You might be a redneck if it's easier to rotate your home than your TV antenna.

You might be a redneck if you use old newspapers in more than 3 ways in your home.

You know you're a redneck if you stare at the Orange Juice container because it says "Concentrate."

You know you're a redneck when some one yells "hoe down" and your wife drops to the floor!

You might be a redneck if you can relate to the following statements:

1. "Nothing says lovin' like lovin? your cousin!"
2. "Why go across town when you can go across the hall?"
3. "If you can't keep it in the pants then keep it in the family."

You know you're a redneck when your family tree is a wreath.

You know your a redneck when your town priest is also your town plummer.

You know you're a redneck when you're front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

You have a home that is mobil and 14 cars that aren't.

You know you're a redneck when you have seven cars in your driveway, but only one works.

What was the last thing the redneck said before he died?
→ "Hey y'all, watch this!"

You know your a redneck if your Thanksgiving turkey was once a family pet!

You might be a redneck if you wear cowboy boots with shorts.

A black guy and a puerto rican guy are both in a car...who's driving?

A Cop!!!

A man arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds that St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch. He walks up to it and sees:

- Welcome to www.Heaven.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue.

He doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading:

- Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here.

So he does.

Up pops a screen which reads:

- Please enter at least two of the following, and your pasword and ID will be e-mailed to you.

The fields include "Name," "Date of birth," "Date of death," and "Favorite Food."

The man enters his name and date of birth, and clicks "Submit."

Up pops another screen which reads:

- We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register?

So the man clicks the button marked "Yes."

A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the man spends some time filling it out. Then he clicks the "Submit" button.

Now he is faced with a screen reading:

- We are sorry, this service is temporarily unavailable; please try again later.

There is a button marked "Back." He clicks it.

A new page appears. It reads:

- Welcome to www.Purgatory.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue...

A drunk stumbles into a confessional.

The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the priest knocks on the wall.

The drunk says:

- Forget it, buddy, there's no paper in this one, either!