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The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said:

- Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?

Little Johnny quickly replied:

- NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!

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Three best friends are at the corner bar on a Friday night as usual. One of them is an Italian, one is Black and the other is Jewish.

They are sitting around drinking some beers, and they make a wager. They bet who can make love to their wife and make her scream the longest. They agree to return next week and compare.

Next week, they all arrive at the bar at the usual time with smiles on their faces. The Italian guy says:

- I definitely won. I took my wife out to dinner, bought her roses, then took her home and made love to her. She screamed for an hour.

The black guy says:

- Man, that's nothin'. I cooked dinner for my wife, and for dessert I poured honey all over her and made love to her like never before. She screamed for two hours.

The Jewish guy chimes in:

- I got you both beat. I made love to my wife for 3 minutes, pulled out, then wiped my schmeckel on the curtain. She's still screaming!

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A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.

As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in:

- I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this.

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.

He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said:

- I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold.

- I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!

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Remember when........

A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show of note
a window was something you hated to clean
and ram was the cousin of a goat
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes
An application was for employment
a program was a TV show
a cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
a CD was a bank account
and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
you hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
paste you did with glue
a web was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens they wish they were dead.

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You know how Princess Diana and Mother Theresa died around about the same time? Well they both went up to heaven. St. Peter met them at the entrance to the pearly gates. He said:

- You both must show me something to prove your worth, going into heaven.

Mother Theresa went first. She walked up to St. Peter and lifted her habit and flashed her breasts at him.

He said:

- okay. Princess Di?

Princess Di smiled and walked over into the corner, did a squat and pissed. St. Peter gave it careful consideration.

Finally he decided:

- Princess Di. You're in. Sorry Mother Theresa, but a Royal Flush, beats two of a kind!!!!!

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