Worst jokes

- Schizophrenia -- Do You Hear What I Hear?

- Multiple Personality -- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

- Dementia -- I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

- Narcissistic -- Hark the Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

- Mania -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and... or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expenses

- Borderline Personality -- Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire

- Paranoia -- Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me

- Personality Disorder -- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry. I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll Tell You Why

- Depression -- Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia. All is Calm, All is Pretty Lonely

- Obsessive Compulsive -- Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock...

- Passive Aggressive -- On the First Day of Christmas My Mother Gave to Me... (And Then Took it All Away)

- Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

When I die I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I always try to count my blessings, but I am no good at fractions.

War decides not who is right, but who is left.

A guy goes into a supermarket and buys:

• one tin of beans
• one bag of chips
• one pack of burgers
• one tub of ice cream
• one cake
• one case of beer
• one pint of milk.

He takes them over to the checkout, and the girl looks at what he has bought and asks if he is single.

The guy replies sarcastically:

- Yes. However did you guess?

The girl replies:

- Simple...

- You are one ugly bastard!

What do you get when a cow gets stuck in an earthquake?
→ A milk shake!

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring:

- Well, it looks plastic.

Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding:

- But it feels like rubber.

Curious, the attorney asked:

- What do you have there?

The drunk replied:

- I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.

The attorney responded:

- Let me take a look.

So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it.

- Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?

The drunk replied:

- Out of my nose!

How can you tell that your blonde secretary has been typing on your computer?
→ White-out on the screen!

How can you tell she's made the corrections?
→ She wrote over the white out!

A few days ago, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said:

- All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving.

The mother went into the living room and told her son:

- We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you calm down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language.

Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard:

- All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.

- For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said:

- Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these.

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.

- I'll give you a hint - said the teacher.

- It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time.

Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted:

- Spit 'em out, they're assholes!

After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

- Louise, tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think? - he moaned.

- Even worse - she assured him, voice dripping with scorn.

- You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company to his face.

- He's an asshole - piss on him!

- You did - Louise informed him.

- And he fired you.

- Well, screw him! - said John.

- I did. You're back at work on Monday!