Worst jokes

BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER AND TASTIER, TOO.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.

Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.

JESUS LOVES YOU. It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation?

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

1955 - 1975: 36 Elvis Movies. 1975 - 1998: Nothing.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Don't get married. Find someone you hate and buy them a house.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Or, dirty martini holder.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

THE BILL OF RIGHTS... (Void where prohibited by law)

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

First draw the curve, then plot the data.

A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party.

IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S DINNER.

OTHER THAN THAT, MRS.. LINCOLN, HOW WAS THE PLAY?

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

Why We Appreciate Men And How Our Bubbles Get Burst When He Ain't Prince Charming!! (and added comments)

1. They've got that comfortable place on their shoulder that's perfect for snuggling into while we fall asleep. (At least that's what his girlfriend/wife says - depending on which YOU are!)
2. They're at peace with their bodies, except for maybe some minor anxiety over height, weight, and baldness. (The names deleted of the world. . .teehee!!)
3. They're enthusiastic about our bodies, even when we're not. (Yeh, don'tcha love it when they say you look great. . .just don't get over 200 lbs!!)
4. They're beyond enthusiastic about sex. (OK if they are discriminate. . .about who they are having it with!!)
5. They fall in love so hard, once they finally fall. (And don't be shocked if it is their wife. . ."you helped me through a hard time in our marriage and now it's better than ever" OR. . ."yes, I confess, I DID have a fling (you!!), but let's not let that interfere with "us"!!)
6. Chest hair, forearm hair and the feel of a newly shaved cheek. (Well, at least the newly shaved cheek. . .and just so it isn't back hair!!!)
7. Bravery around snakes, waterbugs, bats and flat tires. Sometimes a MYTH!! (The sexiest man I ever knew - among others - do not have that particular instinct!)
8. Their unapologetic lust for a nice hunk of beef or chocolate cake. (And, sometimes to our dismay. . .just their unapologetic lust for a hunk!!) That's when our female phrase "WHAT a WASTE!!!" comes in handy!!
9. Their ability to solve problems simply by throwing a ball around. (Better than throwing US around. . .)
10. The glimpse you get, when they wear their baseball cap backwards of their inner Little Leaguer. (That is something I will just leave alone. . .kind of cute on some. . .)
11. How tender they get when they cry and how seldom they do it. [When their team loses. . .or when they are at a pick-up bar and she/he turns out to be just waaaaayyyyyyy too young. . .and the ones who are interested are Madam-look-alikes (as in Madam and Waylon!)]
12. What they lack in talk, they tend to make up for in action. (. . .at the slot machines or the Baccarat tables. . . OR hitting on their secretaries!)
13. They make excellent companions when driving through rough neighborhoods or walking past dark alleys. (Say WHAT!!??!!)
14. They really love their moms. They remind us of our dads. (Richard Simmons loves HIS Mom and doesn't remind me one thing of my Dad!! Nor Dave Letterman. . .hmmmmmmm!!??)
15. They don't mind accompanying a woman to a party even though she looks like a movie star and they look like the chauffeur. (I ain't touchin' that one cuz I know people with limos!!)
16. Their near-endless appetite for discussing the ins and outs of work and money - ours as well as theirs. (well, the ins/outs of about anything and OUR money, in particular)
17. Their genuine ardor for tinkering with toilets, changing oil and assembling gas grills - jobs any intelligent woman can do but would be nuts to volunteer for. (Some do, some don't. . .either THEY do it or it gets HIRED done. . . I don't even want to LEARN that stuff and don't blame them if THEY don't!!)
18. They never care what their horoscope, their mother-in-law, nor the neighbors say. (. . . AMEN!!)
19. They rarely lie about their age, their weight or their clothing size. (. . .don't get this wrong. . .they DO lie about fishing, money and women!!)
20. How awestruck they are in the face of a Wonderbra or a homemade cookie. (. . .all with the same enthusiasm!!)
21. How sexy their butts look in jeans. (. . .this person must know David Bowie!)
22. How sexy their hands look holding ours. (No contest. . .)
23. Their face is a treasure to behold when they give us a present they picked out. (. . .and they are pretty decent about it when we exchange it for something we really like, too!!)
24. Their ignorance is usually amusing (Sometimes. . .depends on OUR mood !!) (If we are REALLY, REALLY gone on him. . .he is the smartest man in the world, regardless of how ignorant. . .did I say that??!!)
25. They have a great sense of competition (Good if it is at work/earning $$$$. . .bad if it is notches on belts or bedposts!!)
26. They can make great sex partners ("CAN" is the operative word here. . .usually have to have some in-house training!)
27. They give great hugs, ( and always melt our hearts when a sweet "I love you Princess" is added) (Princess, Schmitzess. . .all I ask is that I be treated no differently than the Queen!!)
28. Though they often try to hide it, they're very tenderhearted and caring. (and they are MASTERS at hiding it. . .oh, to be fair - there ARE moments. . .)
29. They have an uncanny ability to look deeply into our eyes and connect with our heart, even when we don't want them to (Good when it is hubby/boyfriend. . . BAD when it is David Bowie/Lenny Kravitz) (REALLY bad when it is Bill Clinton. . .)
30. They don't care whether colours match but are willing to be concerned if we want them to be (. . .unless it is at the football game. . .then COLOR counts!!)
31. They can be taught (. . .and when you get one trained. . .just hang in there as the older they get - the harder to train!!!)
32. They give us a peek at the little boy inside when they get sick or happy or hurt. (More like the Pamper/Binky stage. . .)

How do you kill a blue elephant?
→ With a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a pink elephant?
→ Twist his nose until he turns blue and then use the blue elephant gun.

Yo' mama's so fat when she get's out of bed in New York she sets off the seismographs in California.

If athletes get athlete's foot, astronauts get missile toe.

A bird dog could be called a point setter.

James Fenimore Cooper wrote about the life of Santa Claus in his novel The Deer Sleigher.

What's the difference between a one-winged angel and a two-winged angel?
→ It's a matter of a pinion!

It's a matter of my opinion that Yule love the game we're about to play. In each sentence below, fill in the blank or blanks with an expression commonly used at Christmastide. Answers repose at the end of this column.

1. On December 24, Adam's wife was known as [blank] [blank].
2. In Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol, Scrooge was visited by the ghost of [blank] [blank].
3. An opinion survey in Alaska is called a [blank] [blank].
4. What does Santa Claus do with his three gardens? [blank], [blank], [blank]
5. What Christmas message is conveyed by these letters?: ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. [blank], [blank]
6. When the salt and the pepper say "Hi!" to each other, they are passing on [blank] [blank].
7. A holy man bereft of change could be called [blank] [blank].
8. When you cross a sheep with a cicada, you get a [blank] [blank].
9. A quiet medieval armor-wearer is a [blank] [blank].
10. A cat walking on the desert is bound to get [blank] [blank].
11. People who tell jokes on December 25 might be called [blank] [blank].
12. An airplane disaster in Israel is a [blank].
13. Actor O'Connor and actress Channing are known on December 25 as [blank] [blank].
14. What do Spanish sheep says when they wish each other a Merry Christmas? [blank] [blank].

Meretricious to all! And don't forget that There's No Plate Like Chrome for the Hollandaise.

Answers

1. Christmas Eve
2. Christmas Present
3. North Poll
4. Hoe, hoe, hoe.
5. Noel, (no L)
6. seasons' greetings.
7. St. Nickleless.
8. Bah! (or Baa!) Humbug!
9. silent knight
10. sandy claws
11. Christmas cards
12. cresh
13. Christmas Carols
14. Fleece Navidad!

Why Beer is Better than Women

1. YOU CAN ENJOY A BEER ALL MONTH LONG.
2. BEER STAINS WASH OUT.
3. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WINE AND DINE BEER.
4. YOUR BEER WILL ALWAYS WAIT PATIENTLY FOR YOU IN THE CAR WHILE YOU PLAY FOOTBALL.
5. WHEN YOUR BEER GOES FLAT, YOU TOSS IT OUT.
6. BEER IS NEVER LATE.
7. A BEER DOESN'T GET JEALOUS WHEN YOU GRAB ANOTHER BEER.
8. HANGOVERS GO AWAY.
9. BEER LABELS COME OFF WITHOUT A FIGHT.
10. WHEN YOU GO TO A BAR, YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALWAYS PICK UP A BEER.
11. BEER NEVER HAS A HEADACHE.
12. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRIVE A BEER HOME IN THE MORNING.
13. A BEER WON'T GET UPSET IF YOU COME HOME WITH ANOTHER BEER.
14. IF YOU POUR A BEER RIGHT, YOU'LL ALWAYS GET GOOD HEAD.
15. A BEER ALWAYS GOES DOWN EASY.
16. YOU CAN HAVE MORE THAN ONE BEER IN A NIGHT AND NOT FEEL GUILTY.
17. YOU CAN SHARE A BEER WITH YOUR FRIENDS.
18. YOU ALWAYS KNOW YOU'RE THE FIRST ONE TO POP A BEER.
19. BEER IS ALWAYS WET.
20. BEER DOESN'T DEMAND EQUALITY.
21. YOU CAN HAVE A BEER IN PUBLIC.
22. A BEER DOESN'T CARE WHEN YOU COME.
23. A FRIGID BEER IS A GOOD BEER.
24. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WASH A BEER BEFORE IT TASTES GOOD.
25. IF YOU CHANGE BEERS YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY ALIMONY.

Temperatures

- 60 degrees - Californians put their sweaters on.

- 50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat.

- 45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.

- 40 degrees - You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.

- 35 degrees - Italians cars don't start.

- 32 degrees - Water freezes.

- 30 degrees - You plan your vacation in Australia.

- 25 degrees - Ohio water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming.

- 20 degrees - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation farther south.

- 15 degrees - French cars don't start, cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.

- 10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going.

- 5 degrees - American cars don't start.

- 0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts.

- -10 degrees - German cars don't start, eyes freeze shut when you step outside.

- -15 degrees - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist.

- -20 degrees - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start.

- -25 degrees - Too cold to think, you need jumper cables to get the driver going.

- -30 degrees - You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start.

- -40 degrees - Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweater, your car helps you plan your trip South.

- -50 degrees - Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window.

- -80 degrees - Polar bears move south, Green Bay Packer (and Buffalo Bills) fans order hot cocoa at the game.

- -90 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

- -100 degrees - Hell freezes over, Clinton finally tells all. Kenneth Starr moves in with Monica. Alaskans button top button. Santa moves operations to Panama.

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
→ 30 - 1 to make the batter and 29 to peel the smarties.

There were three ladies at the obstetrician's office, waiting to see what their results were. When the first young woman came back to the waiting room, she was very happy.

- I'm going to have a boy! - she declared.

- The doctor said that if my husband was on top, I would have a boy.

When the second young woman came back, she was very happy, too.

- I'm going to have a girl! The doctor said that if I was on top, I would have a girl.

Suddenly, the third young woman burst into tears. The other two tried to console her, but all she could say was:

- I'm going to have a puppy!

What do you call a donkey with three legs?
→ A wonkey!