Worst jokes

A bartender was working the late shift. While he was working, a beautiful blonde woman walked in and took a seat at the bar. She ordered up a Coors and sat there drinking for a while. Suddenly, the woman passed out cold on the stool. The bartender had a sudden thought, and so he cautiously looked around. Seeing that no one was around, he closed up the bar, and took advantage of the situation.

The next night, the bartender was, again, working the late shift, but some of his friends stopped by, so he told them about the previous night and his good time with the blonde woman. All of a sudden, the blonde walks in again. The bartender motions to his friends that she is the same lady. The lady sits down at the bar and orders another Coors. Eventually, she passes out. The bartender closes up shop, and him and all his friends take their turns.

The next night, the bartender is working the late shift. His friends show up, with all of their friends, and so there is a huge crowd in the bar. The woman walks in again, orders a Coors, drinks it, and then passes out. So, the bartender closes up shop, and everyone has a turn.

The next night, even more people are waiting at the bar. The woman walks in and orders a Budweiser.

The bartender, his plans foiled, asks:

- You don't want the usual?

She looks at him for a minute and shakes her head:

- No. Coors makes my pussy sore!

What nationality are you if you're going to the bathroom?
→ European

And what nationality are you if someone's knocking on the door while you're going?
→ You're a Russian.

Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy:

- I've got another dress for you to clean.

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies:

- Come again?

- No - says Monica.

- Mustard!

Why is Chicago called the Windy City?
→ Because the Bears blow!

It seems God noticed Adam was despondent. So the Lord God said:

- Adam, come over here and sit down!.

And Adam did so.

- Adam - spoke the Creator:

- I see your countenance is fallen and you seem to feel rotten and lonely.

Adam said nothing in response.

- So - continued the Lord:

- I am going to create an alternate person who will be with you!

Adam just looked puzzled but interested.

- This person - said the Lord:

- will take all the raw and tasteless food that you are currently ruining and will prepare wonderful, spicy, and tasty dishes.

Adam looked grateful.

- This person - said the Lord:

- will be beautiful to behold and graceful and interesting to watch as she walks.

Adam looked thoughtful.

- This person - emphasized the Lord:

- will be able to satisfy all those dreams that you currently are having!

Adam really looked relieved.

- And, lastly - said the Lord:

- She will obey your every whim and desire and order with cheerfulness.

Adam was really impressed and finally spoke.

- O.K., Lord, but what is this going to cost me?

- An arm and a leg - said the Almighty.

- Well - Adam then said:

- What can I get for a rib?

Why did the hamster cross the road?
→ Because it was stuck in the Chicken's ass!

What's the biggest pencil in the World?
→ Pennsylvania!

All about smoking:

Remember, smoking doesn't kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

One poll says 73% of Americans favor raising the cigarette tax. It's only fair. Since smokers aren't around as long as the rest of us, they should pay more while they're here.

I quit smoking once for six days. And then they untied me.

Trying to quit smoking can drive you nuts -- especially when you try to light your nicotine gum.

Marlboro has a line of outdoor gear for smokers. They recommend you buy it a size larger so paramedics don't have to cut it off of you.

The Marlboro clothing is very functional. The denim jacket has electric heart paddles sewn right into the lining, and there's a backpack that can hold a portable respirator.

I stopped smoking and extended my life expectancy. My wife is furious.

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says:

- Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off.

And Sarah says:

- Can you just jack off? I have a headache!

That was Zen, this is Tao.