Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

- Finish your lima beans or you're not getting any heroin for dessert!

- If you don't stop that this instant, I'll have Grandma perform another striptease for you.

- If this plexiglass wasn't between us, I'd wash your mouth out with soap, young man.

- Do you want me to put a tofu burrito in your pants? Well? Do You?!

- Billy Bob, you finish them chores or Sis ain't goin' to the prom with ya!

- Eat your brussel sprouts, or Mommy won't love you anymore.

- Lyle, Erik -- either behave, or go to your suites!

- If you don't eat your peas, Chelsea, I'll make you stay at the Gingrich's house!

- Don't make me put you back in the womb!

- As long as you live under this roof, you're going to wear that dress, young man!

- You just wait til your father gets paroled!

- Stop crying, Lourdes, or Uncle Dennis will kick you in the groin.

- Young lady, don't make me send you to the Citadel!

And the Number 1 Threat Used in Dysfunctional Families...

- All right, Little Mister, no more time in the sheep pen for you!

Here's a sure-fire set of tests to check your parenting abilitites.

This is about as close as you can get to the real deal! :)

MESS TEST - Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST - Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST - Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST - Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST - Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST - Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST - Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST - Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women) - Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men) - Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT - Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Said fuck him! - he's only an egg!

Little boy blew Hey! He needed the money!

1. Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.(why wait that long)
2. Thou shall not do drugs.(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)
3. Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.(Walmart has a bigger selection)
4. Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)
5. Thou shall not steal from your parents.(everyone knows grandma has more money)
6. Thou shall not get into fights.(Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)
7. Thou shall not skip class.(just take the whole day off)
8. Thou shall not strip in class.(Hooters pays more)
9. Thou shall not think about having sex.(like Nike says, "just do it")
10. Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.(just leave'm in the middle)

What's red and goes up and down?
→ A tomato in an elevator.

What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?
→ We have to stick together.

What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster?
→ Hello, hello.

What do you call a sleeping bull?
→ A bulldoser.

When is a baseball player like a thief?
→ When he steals a base.

What did the can say to the can opener?
→ You make me flip my lid.

What is a volcano?
→ A mountain with the hiccups.

What do you find at the end of everything?
→ The letter "g".

What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe?
→ He called a toe truck.

Why do two skunks argue?
→ Because they like to kick up a stink.

What did the adding machine say to the cashier?
→ You can count on me.

What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?
→ Put them in a barking lot.

Why did the cat sleep with a fan on?
→ He wanted to be a cool cat.

What did the painter say to the wall?
→ One more crack and I'll plaster you.

Why is baseball like a cake?
→ They both need batters.

What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?
→ Take me to your weeder.

What kind of shoes do you make with banana skins?
→ Slippers!

What did the rug say to the floor?
→ I've got you covered!

How do you make antifreeze?
→ You steal her blanket.

Why does a cow wear a bell?
→ Because her horns don't work.

What's pink, lives in a sty and drinks blood?
→ A hampire.

Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? - Norma

Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? - Jane

Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? - Nan

Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? - Neil

Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. - Jane

Dear God, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother! - Darla

Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce

Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend. (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. - Tom L.

Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. - Bruce

Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. - Danny

Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - Larry

Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. - Sam

Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your goodest inventions. - Ruth M.

Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - Nan

Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. - Mickey D.

Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris

Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna

- Brother: Which is farther away - NY City or the moon?

- Sister: NY City. Why do you ask?

- Brother: Well, I can see the moon, but I can't see NY City.

- Mom: Joe, time for your medicine.

- Joe: I'll run the bath then.

- Mom: Why?

- Joe: Because on the bottle it says "to be taken in water."

Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He said:

- My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fast ball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate!

One of the other boys said:

- Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bulls eye!

The last boy said:

- Your dads don't even come close to being faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30!