Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

What is the softest bed for a baby to sleep on?
→ Cot-on-wool.

Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
→ They're afraid of flying off the handle!

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
→ Dayscare centers.

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
→ His ghoul friend.

What do ghosts serve for dessert?
→ I Scream.

What do witches put on their hair?
→ Scare spray.

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
→ Bamboo.

What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
→ Boo boos.

Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
→ Because of his coffin.

Why do mummies make excellent spies?
→ They're good at keeping things under wraps.

Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
→ Because everyone was a goblin!

How did the ghost patch his sheet?
→ With a pumpkin patch.

What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
→ His other fang.

What's red and goes up and down?
→ A tomato in an elevator.

What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?
→ We have to stick together.

What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster?
→ Hello, hello.

What do you call a sleeping bull?
→ A bulldoser.

When is a baseball player like a thief?
→ When he steals a base.

What did the can say to the can opener?
→ You make me flip my lid.

What is a volcano?
→ A mountain with the hiccups.

What do you find at the end of everything?
→ The letter "g".

What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe?
→ He called a toe truck.

Why do two skunks argue?
→ Because they like to kick up a stink.

What did the adding machine say to the cashier?
→ You can count on me.

What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?
→ Put them in a barking lot.

Why did the cat sleep with a fan on?
→ He wanted to be a cool cat.

What did the painter say to the wall?
→ One more crack and I'll plaster you.

Why is baseball like a cake?
→ They both need batters.

What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?
→ Take me to your weeder.

What kind of shoes do you make with banana skins?
→ Slippers!

What did the rug say to the floor?
→ I've got you covered!

How do you make antifreeze?
→ You steal her blanket.

Why does a cow wear a bell?
→ Because her horns don't work.

Why did the vampire sit on a pumpkin?
→ It wanted to play squash.

- Mother: Why is there a strange baby in the crib?

- Daughter: You told me to change the baby.

How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana?
→ She left him out in the sun too long.

What did the vampire do to stop his son biting his nails?
→ He cut all his fingers off!

One day, Jimmy is walking home from school. When he gets home, he finds his grandpa sitting on the Porch without any pants on!

So he goes up to his grandpa and says:

- Grandpa, do you realize that you're not wearing any pants?

His grandpa replies:

- Yes Jimmy, I do.

Jimmy then says:

- Well, why are you outside without any pants on Grandpa?

His grandpa looks at Jimmy and responds:

- Well Jimmy, yesterday I sat outside without a shirt to long, and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandma's idea.

A little boy walks down the street with a dead frog on a string.

He enters a whorehouse and approaches the madam.

- Madam, I would like to have a girl for the afternoon. - says the little boy.

- Sonny, I think you're a little young for that. - replies the madam.

The little boy places a $100 bill in the madam's hand.

- One lady coming up. - says the madam.

- And I want her to have herpes - says the little boy.

- Why on earth would you want that? - asked the madam, and anyway, I don't have any women like that. All my girls are clean.

The little boy pulls out another $100 bill and gives it to the madam.

- One dirty girl, coming up - she says.

The madam takes the little boy upstairs and leaves him in a room with a well endowed blonde. When he comes down a little bit later, she says:

- Son, I can understand you wanting to get laid, but why on earth would you want to catch something like herpes?

The little boy looks the madam straight in the eye and says:

- It's like this lady... When I get home the babysitter's going to be there and I'm gonna fuck her and SHE'S going to get the herpes.

- Then when my mom and dad come home, my dad's going to take the babysitter home and fuck her and HE'S going to get the herpes.

- Then when my dad gets home, he's going to fuck my mom and SHE'S going to get the herpes.

- Then about 10 o'clock tomorrow morning, the mailman's going to show up at my house and fuck my mom and HE'S THE ONE THAT KILLED MY FUCKING FROG!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Avocado!

- Avocado who?

- Avocado a cold!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Axel!

- Axel who?

- Axeldental Tourist!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Atch!

- Atch who?

- I'm sorry I didn't know you had a cold!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Athena!

- Athena who?

- Athena flying saucer!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Argo!

- Argo who?

- Argo down the shops!