Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

One day Pete was complaining to his friend:

- my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor.

His friend said:

- Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00.

Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor, it will be better in two weeks.

Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masterbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your water is hard, get a softener. Your dog has worms, get him shots. Your daughter's using cocaine, get her into a rehab clinic. Your wife's pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, Your tennis elbow will never get better!

What's the Arkansas state motto?
→ If you can't keep it in your pants keep it in the family.

Did you hear about the Irishman who went to the toilet?
→ He wiped the chain and pulled himself.

Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"

Tim Kelly was walking therough a dim passageway when someone spoke to him:

- Good evenin', Kelly - said the muffled figure.

- Don't ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan any more?

Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch.

- Saints! - cried Kelly.

- Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely jump from the trestle?

- It could've been both, considerin' the feel of it - said Grogan.

- But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy himself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me.

- He did indade - said Kelly.

- But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?

- Only Mrs. Murphy's ass - said Grogan.

- It's a beautiful thing in itself, but not worth a dom in a fight.

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
→ Kick his sister in the jaw.

I recently tried some of these new 'flavoured' condoms. I bought one of each flavour they had, and tried each one in turn every time i got a shag. My girlfriend likes to lick each one before i insert it in her, just to see what flavour i was wearing.

The first night she said:

- Mmmmm, Cherry flavour

The second night she said:

- Mmmmm, Mint flavour

The third night she said:

- Mmmmm, Strawberry flavour

and so on, until we had reached the final flavour, and she said:

- Mmmmm, Cheese flavour

- Cheese flavour ?? - i said

- I haven't put one on yet!

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said:

- Johnny. This is where you come from.

Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."

- Why? - one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said:

- Because I came this close to being a turd.

A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers:

- I can lick any man in the place!

The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says:

- Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?

A man was playing a game of golf, and on hole 16, he hit the ball right into a field of buttercups. As honest a golfer as he normally was, he picked up the ball and laid it next to the flowerbed to avoid destroying the beautiful buttercups. A fairy comes down and says:

- thank you for not disturbing my buttercups. For that I shall make sure that you always have a full supply of butter.

- Thank you - the golfer replied - but where were you last week when I hit the ball into the pussywillows?