Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

This male prostitute contracted syphilis.

He did okay for a while, but then his business dropped off.

A middle-aged man recieves a brazillian parrot for his birthday. The only problem with this parrot is its attitude due to the influence of its former owner, who is now a deceased truck driver. The parrot loves to swear up and down at everything it sees. One day the man comes home with a gorgeous woman for a candle lit dinner. The first thing the parrot says is " Hey bitch how much for a handjob". She takes one look at our middle-aged friend, and runs out the door. The next night, Our friend is visited by his mother.

The parrot opens up with, "I'll suck that crusty coin-slot crack of yours for a senior citizen discount, if you lose that over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder, and wiggle those droopy dum dums for me." Our friend recieves a smack that leaves a fire-engine-red print, followed by a future threat from his father. Well Our frustrated friend can stands no more. He grabs the little motherfucker and throws it into the freezer. After about 15 minutes of swearing and kicking from the bad bird, all is quiet. Another 5 min of silence passes by. Our friend gets curious and opens the fridge.

The bird calmly perches on his finger. "Have you learned your lesson?", he sternly said. All the parrot can say is "I sure have. I just have one question. What the Fuck happened to the chicken?"

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.

The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically:

- I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help.

One of the men immediately replies:

- No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead.

A little girl was walking along a beach in California when she came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspaper covering his genitals.

The little girl said:

- What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?

The man said:

- Nothing, it's just a bird, now go away!

The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep.

Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excrutiating pain.

- Where the hell am I?

A doctor replied:

- Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergency help, so we rushed you right over.

- Well, what the hell happened to me?

- We don't know, son. Do you remember anything unusual happening to you today?

The man said:

- Well, there was a little girl bugging me just before I fell asleep.

The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl was still there, and she was. The person said:

- Do you know what happened to that nice man you saw here earlier?

- Well - the little girl said.

- I started to play with that nice little bird that he had and the damn thing spit on me. So, I wrung its neck, broke its eggs, and set its nest on fire!

- Would you sleep with me for ten thousand dollars? - asked John.

- Yes, I will. - Paula replied.

- Would you do it for one thousand? - he asked.

- Well maybe, or maybe I'd do something else for you. - she answered with a wink.

- How about a blowjob for $20? - responded John.

- Hey! What kind of women do you think I am? - Paula snapped, indignantly.

- That's already been established, Paula. Now we're just haggling over the price!

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says:

- I have some bad news. You have HAGS.

- What is HAGS - the man asks.

- It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis - says the doctor.

- Oh my God - says the man.

- What are you going to do?

- We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza.

- Is that going to help me - says the man.

- No - says the doctor.

- But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door

What happened to the cheerleader when she did the splits?
→ 20 class rings fell out.

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

- I don't want to know! - the child said, bursting into tears.

- Promise me you won't tell me.

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

- Oh dad - the boy sobbed

- when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for.

What's the definition of virginity?
→ A big issue over a little tissue.

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they're trying to one-up each other.

The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

Young woman number three says:

- Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis.

After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says:

- Girls, I've got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my folks' house in Terre Haute for two weeks.

The second one says:

- Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes; it's a Plymouth.

Well, I've got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg.