Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway.

When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said.

As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive 'yes, yes' type noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again.

Afterwards, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed.

- So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?

- Well, - said the doctor.

- my wife is right, a beard would suit me.

What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
→ A rabbi cuts it off, and a priest sucks it off.

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks:

- Do you do custom work?

- Why of course!

- Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.

- No problem - says the artist - Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes.

The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.

- That doesn't look like them! - she complains loudly.

- Oh yes it does - the artist says indignantly - and I can prove it. With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.

- Well, what do you think? - the woman asks, spreading her legs - Do you know who these men are?

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says:

- I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definately Willie Nelson!

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when she suddenly had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer.

Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator.

He began to sniff.

The Avon lady asked:

- Do you smell something?

- Why, yes, I do - he replied.

- What does it smell like?

- Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit in a pine tree.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
→ Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Why do men name their penises?
→ Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Three Things Women Can Do That Men Can't:

1. Bleed for a week and not die.
2. Give milk without eating grass
3. Bury an eight inch bone faster than any dog!

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed, and asked:

- Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?

The waiter replied:

- Yes. We had an efficiency expert here that determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table.

By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen.

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented:

- Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?

The waiter replied:

- Yes, we all do. That same efficiency expert determined that we spend 21.4% of our time washing our hands after using the men's room. The other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to get my tool out of my pants, go, and then return to work.

Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands.

Saves a lot of time.

- Wait a minute - said the diner, how do you get your penis back in your pants?

- Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.

A man was interviewing for a sales representative. One candidate would have been ideal for the position except that he had a disconcerting mannerism. He kept winking.

- Look here, I'd like to give you the job, you've got good references and experience. The trouble is this trick you've got of winking all the time, it might put our customers off.

- No worries. - the candidate replied.

- All I've got to do to get rid of it is to take a couple of aspirins.

So saying he began emptying his pockets. The employer was startled to see dozens of condoms, multi coloured ones, ribbed ones, heavy duty varieties and every known brand of standard condom.

- Here we are. - said the rep. He swallowed two aspirins and his winking stopped at once.

- Thats all very well but we couldn't hire a man who was going to be womanising all over his territory.

- Oh I wouldn't dream of it, I'm happily married.

- Then how do you account for all of these things?

- Simple, Did you ever go into a chemist winking all the time and ask for a packet of aspirins?

Which is the odd one out - a refrigerator, a washing machine, a TV or a woman?
→ The TV because all the others leak when they're fucked!