Random joke from this category
An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers.
"Oh honey," said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?"
"No," said the old man, "it means you can take your pick."
- What's an orgasm, mom?
- I don't know, dear...ask your father.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
→ Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
When the AirForce 1 prepares to land, the Captain speaks over the intercom: "The seatbelt sign is on Mr. President, would you please put the stewardess in the upright position."
What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
→ They both get easier to pick-up with age.
- Man: Haven't we met before?
- Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.
- Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
- Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
- Man: Is this seat empty?
- Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
- Man: Your place or mine?
- Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
- Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
- Woman: It's in the phone book.
- Man: But I don't know your name.
- Woman: That's in the phone book too.
- Man: So what do you do for a living?
- Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
- Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
- Woman: Do not Enter
- Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
- Woman: Unfertilized !
- Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason.
- Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!
- Man: I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.
- Woman: You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?
- Man: I know how to please a woman.
- Woman: Then why aren't you leaving me alone?
- Man: I want to give myself to you.
- Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
- Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
- Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
- Man: Your body is like a temple.
- Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
- Man: I'd go through anything for you.
- Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.
- Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
- Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
On the first evening of their honeymoon, they are sitting on the balcony of the hotel while the sun is setting. "Honey," she says, "now that we're married, will you tell me what a penis is?"
He almost fell off the chair when he heard her ask. So, being her husband, he led her into their room and took his pants off. "This, my love, is a penis." he told her.
"Oh!" she exclaimed. "It looks like a dick, but only much smaller!"
There were two guys who had gone to the same college and become great friends. During college, they had a great time. Anything that was going on, they were always right in the middle of it. When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate way.
Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the street. They were very happy to see each other and, during the conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing for work.
"I'm an undertaker," responded the friend.
"That doesn't sound like you. During college, you were always the one looking for excitement."
"There is plenty of excitement in this racket," said his friend. "Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room. When I entered the room, he was laying there on the bed, stark naked, with a huge erection. I didn't want to take him out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a good swat... You want to talk about excitement! I WAS IN THE WRONG ROOM!!!"
There was a brunette, a blonde, and a redhead and they were in the third grade. Who had the biggest tits?
→ The blonde, because she was 18.
There's this couple and they've been dating for quite some time. He wants her really bad, but she won't sleep with him because she's saving herself for marriage. As they were kissing, and doing their thing, he's very hot and bothered, and he said, "Oh come on, just a feel."
She said, "No, I'm saving myself for marriage."
They went back and forth. He said, "Just one feel, I promise, that's all, just one feel."
She finally agreed, "Okay, just one feel, but that's all, just one, I'm saving myself for marriage."
So he puts his hand down her panties and takes a little feel. Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks, "Can't we please?"
She of course states, "NO, I'm saving myself for marriage."
He says, "Please, please?" and she says, "No, absolutely not, I'm saving myself for marriage."
He says, "How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?"
She says, "No way, I'm saving myself for marriage."
He begs and pleads with her, "I promise, just the tip, no more, and we'll stop after that."
She finally gives in, "Okay, but just the tip, no more, and that's all."
He says okay and pulls down her panties and puts the tip in... he's so hot and ready that he can't control himself shoves it the whole way in and starts going to town... she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and shouts, "OKAY, GO AHEAD, PUT IT THE WHOLE WAY IN!"
A little stunned, he says, "NO, absolutely not, a deals a deal!"
