Random joke from this category
And then there's little Johnny who one night woke up to go the bathroom and passed by his parents door.
Noticing that the door was open a bit, he walked in only to see his mother performing oral sex on his dad.
Upon seeing this, little Johnny walks out and exclaims - "Hah!, they got nerve...they sent "ME" to the doctor for sucking my thumb!"
How do you know a blonde likes you?
→ She screws you two nights in a row.
Are birth control pills deductible?
→ Only if they don't work.
Alimony:
Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts.
Experience: What a man gets in exchange for alimony.
Marriage: Why make one man so miserable, when you can make so many, so happy.
What is the definition of a faithful husband? One who's alimony checks arrive on time.
He is so rich, he is ahead in his alimony payments.
There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor. "Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.
So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.
So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it.
When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT". He won!
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
- Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.
- 17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?
- I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this......
O...o...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.
"That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?" he asked the second boy.
- Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.
- 156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?
- Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)...o...
O I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."
A young woman goes to her doctor complaining that the insides of her upper thighs have turned green.
The doctor examined her and asked her if by any chance she went out with a Romany.
When she said yes the doctor said "Well tell him his ear rings aren't real gold!!!"
Why did Mrs. Tomatoe turn red ?
→ She saw Mr. Green Pea !
A woman walks into the local pharmacy and ask's to see sanitary napkins.
The pharmacist replies, "We have mini-pads and maxi-pads, which do you prefer?"
The woman asks, "What's the difference?"
Pharmacist replies, "It depends on what you flow is like!"
Woman replies, "My flo? My flo is linoleum!"
An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers.
"Oh honey," said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?"
"No," said the old man, "it means you can take your pick."
