Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

- Outraged wife: Couldn't you think of anything better than coming home drunk like this?

- Husband: Yes, but she was out of town!

Once heard from a girl who just broke up with someone: My old boyfriend and I weren't compatible. I'm a virgo and he's an asshole!

One day, God went to find Adam and Eve in the garden, but found that Adam was sitting by himself. "Where's Eve?" He asked.

"Well," said Adam, "She started to bleed. This happens every month or so."

"So where is she?" asked God.

"Well, she went down to the river to wash up." replied Adam.

"Darn," said God. "Now I'll never get the smell out of the fish!"

What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
→ You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.

Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
→ She kept having affairs with men!

Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer. He was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they called his two buddies Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to I.D. him.

Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. "Yep, he's got burned up purdy bad. Roll 'im over," said Jim-Bob. The mortician rolled him over, Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba."

Not saying anything, but finding it a bit strange, the mortician brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. "Yep, he's burned up real bad. Roll 'im over," said Billy-Joe. The mortician rolled him over, Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Dat ain't Bubba."

"How can you tell?" asked the mortician.

"Cause Bubba had two assholes," replied Billy-Joe.

"Two assholes? That's impossible!" said the mortician.

"Yep. Everyone in town knowed Bubba had two assholes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would yell, 'here comes Bubba with them two assholes!"

What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
→ It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Is it sexual harassment if you go to a woman and tell her her hair smells nice?
→ What if the man is a dwarf?

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.
"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it - you'll catch on again fast."

Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."

There was this married couple who showed up for their honeymoon at a fishing resort on the edge of a beautiful lake. They arrived very early in the morning after a long drive and the man immediately went out fishing alone in a rowboat.

He returned just before dinner and then went out again until the sun fell. He then went to drink alone in the bar until midnight. The next morning, he awoke before five and was out again on the lake before the sun came up.

This went on for three days. The manager of the hotel started wondering about the man and took him aside.

- What's wrong? Most newlyweds can't keep their hands off each other. But you hardly spend any time with her. You're always out on the lake fishing.

- Yeah. I like women. But my wife, she has gonorrhea.

- Oh! I understand. But still, a man has urges. And there are other ways, like...

- Yeah. I've thought of having anal sex with her, but you know... she has diarrhea.

- Ah, yes. I can see how that could be unsettling. But still, that's not the only way to...

- Yeah. She could give me a blow job, but she has very sensitive gums... a common disease called piarhemia.

- Wow! Can I ask you something, friend? Why did you marry this girl?

- Well, she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and piarhemia, but I love to fish and she has GREAT worms!