Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why did the blonde have a hysterectomy?
→ She wanted to stop having grandchildren.

A Marketing Manager got married to a woman who had previously been married eight times. On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a virgin. This puzzled the Marketing Manager since after eight marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomena.

Her comments were as follows:

- My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'

- My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.

- My third husband was from Field Service who constantly said that everything was diagnostically 'okay', but he just couldn't get the system up.

- My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, 'Those who can...do; Those who can't...teach.'

- My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department who said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver..

- My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

- My seventh husband was from Finance And Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.

- My eighth husband was from Standards And Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.

The wife said sweetly to her new husband:

- Now I am married to you, a man of Marketing.

The husband looked at his wife and simply said:

- I know I have the product, I'm just not sure how to position it!

One day there was a little puppy dog laying beside one of the rails on a railroad track.

He fell asleep, and while he was sleeping his tail ended up on the rail, and by that time a train came along and cut off his tail, he look around to see what happen and the train cut off his head.

Do you know what the moral of the story is?

Dont lose your head over a little piece of tail !!

Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
→ Because she got an F in sex.

Top 10 Reasons E-Mail is Like a Penis:

10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
11. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
12. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
13. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy."
14. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
15. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
16. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
17. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
18. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

And the number one reason "Why e-mail is like a penis."

1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind!

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

Free Yorkshire Terrior.
8 years-old. Hateful little dog.

Free Puppies:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel
1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog

Free Puppies:
Part German Shepherd
Part Stupid Dog

German Shepherd - 85lbs.
Neutered. Speaks German. Free!

1 Man, 7 Women hot tub -- $850/offer

Amana Washer $100.
Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.

Snow blower for sale.
Only used on snowy days.

2 Wire mesh butchering gloves:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair $15.

Tickle Me Elmo, Still in Box,
Comes with its own 1988 Mustang, 5L, Auto
Excellent Condition, $6,800.

83 Toyota Hunchback -- $2,000

Star Wars Job of the Hut -- $15

Soft & Genital Bath Tissues
or Facial Tischue - $.89

Full-Sized Mattress
20 Year Warranty
Like New! Slight urine smell.

FREE 1 Can of Pork & Beans
With Purchase of 3 BR / 2 BTH Home

Nordic Track $300
Hardly used. Call Chubbie.

Bill's Septic Cleaning
"We Haul American Made Products"

Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks

HUMMELS - Largest Selection Ever!
"If it's in stock, we have it!"

Get a Little John:
The Traveling Urinal
Holds 2 1/2 Bottles of Beer.

Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club

Georgia Peaches
California Grown - $.89/lb.

Nice Parachute
Never Opened - Used Once
Slightly Stained

American Flag
60 Stars - Pole Included - $100

Tired of Working for only $9.75 per hour?
We offer profit sharing and flexible hours.
Starting Pay: $7-9 per hour.

Exercise Equipment
Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175

Our Sofa Seats the Whole Mob!
And it's made of 100% Italian Leather.

Joining Nudist Colony!
Must Sell Washer & Dryer - $300

Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty.

Alzheimer's Center Prepares
for an Affair to Remember

Gas Cloud Clears out Taco Bell

Open House!
Body Shapers Toning Salon
Free Coffee & Donuts

Kellogg's Pot Tarts - $1.99/box.

Fully Cooked Boneless Smoked Mann $2.09/lb.

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes - Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.

Why are Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinksy, and O.J. Simpson such bad golfers?
→ Monica is a hooker, O.J. is a slicer and Bill doesn't know what hole to put it in.

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person:

- How much are the washer and dryer?

- Five dollars for both of them - the salesman said.

- Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me! - the man replied sarcastically.

- No, that's the price - the salesman said.

- Do you want to buy them or not?

- Yeah, I'll take them! - the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers.

- How much? - he asked.

- Five dollars for the system - the salesman answered.

- Is it stolen? - the guy asks.

- No - said the salesman.

- It's brand new, do you want it or not?

- Sure - the customer replied.

He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor.

- How much?

- Five dollars - was the familiar response.

- I'll take that too! - the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him:

- Why are your prices so cheap?

The salesman said:

- Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.

- What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!

Did you ever blow bubbles as a child? Yeh, well he's back in town and wants your new number.

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying:

- I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... Have you actually ever tasted it?

The Rabbi said:

- I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion.

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked:

- Your religion, too... I know you're supposed to be celibate. But....

The priest replied:

- Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice.

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said:

- Better than pork, isn't it?