Random joke from this category
Pfizer Corp (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola Bottling Group (NYSE PBG) as a power beverage, suitable for use as-is, or a mixer, under the name "Mount and Do."
Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests:
- It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
The little rascals were in class and the teacher was giving them a vocabulary lesson. The teacher said:
- Alfalfa, use the word love in a sentence.
Alfalfa replies:
- I love Darla.
The teacher said:
- Good...now Spanky your word is respect.
Spanky replies:
- I respect the way Alfalfa loves Darla.
The teacher said:
- Very good! Now Buckweat its your turn, your word is Dictate.
Buckweat replies:
- Hey Darla...how did my dictate last night?.
- Viagra, The quicker dicker upper
- Viagra, One-a-day, like iron
- Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight
- Viagra, Home of the whopper
- Viagra, It plumps when you take 'em
- Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
- Viagra, Tastes great, more filling
- Viagra, Ten inches long ... and growing.
- Viagra, We work harder, so you don't have to.
And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
- This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?
A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender:
- give us two beers over here!
The bartender walks over and see's the octopus and he says:
- Didn't you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!
The man say's to the bartender:
- oh but you don't understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have.
The bartender replied back:
- well I'll tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!
The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar.
The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. He's so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks!
The bartender was amazed and says:
- alright lets try one more
This time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of bagpipes and promptly put them on the bar and says:
- lets see him play this!
The octopus starts crawling all over the bagpipes. He continues this for quite awhile.
The bartender shouted out:
- See I knew he couldn't play all these instruments!
And the man replies:
- Just give him a few more minutes...as soon as he figures out he can't have sex with it, he'll play it!
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor.
He says:
- How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way.
The doc said:
- I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.
She says:
- You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts.
He whips down his pants and says:
- Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!
On the airplane on his way back to Rome, the Pope was doing a crossword puzzle. After a while, he turned the the bishop sitting next to him and said:
- What's a four -letter word ending in "unt" which means "woman"?
The bishop said:
- Did you try "aunt"?
The Pope said:
- Mmmm. Do you have an eraser?
This guy goes to the zoo one day. While standing in front of the gorilla's cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "F**k you!" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.
The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage.
Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, where he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.
Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat.
The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next, he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half.
The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.
God was talking to Adam and Eve one day just before Creation. He asked:
- Well, you two, I only have a couple more goodies left to hand out before my job is done. Which one of you wants to be able to pee standing up?
Adam raises his hand and yells:
- Me, Me, pick me!!
So God obliged.
God looks at Eve and says:
- Well, sorry Eve...but it looks like you're stuck with the multiple orgasms.
Three drunks were sitting at a bar. The first one said...:
- I went in my daughter's room, looked in the drawer and found a pack of cigarettes.
He paused.
- I didn't even know she smoked!
The second drunk said...:
- I can beat that! I went into my daughters room, looked in the closet and found a case of beer. I didn't even know she drank!
The first two looked at the third as he begin to speak..
- I can beat that! I went into my daughter's room and looked under her pillow. I found a pack of condoms!!!
He paused...
- I didn't even know she had a penis!!!
What did the Egyptian man say to the Egyptian woman?
→ Come behind the pyramid, and I'll make you a mummy!
