Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

There were once three guys with no dicks. They all went to the doctor's.

The first guy says:

- Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!

- What's the problem? - asks the doctor.

- I have no dick!

So the doctor gives him a metal dick and tells him to come back in a week.

The next guy comes in and says:

- Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!

- What's wrong? - the doctor asks.

- I have no dick!

The doctor gives him a wooden dick and tells him to come back in a week.

The last guy comes in and has the same problem. The doctor gives him an electrical dick, and also tells him to come back in a week.

A week later, the first guy with the metal dick goes to the doctor and says:

- Doctor, doctor, I hate you, I hate you!

- Why? - asks the doctor.

- Well, everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she starts to shiver!

He walks out.

The next guy with the wooden dick comes in and says:

- Doctor! I hate you!

- Why? - the doctor asks.

- Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters up there!

He walks out.

The last guy with the electrical dick walks in and says:

- Doctor, doctor! I love you, I love you!

- Why?

- Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, her boobs light up!

Divorce is bachelorhood, with strings attached...

Tis better to have loved and lost....than have to live with the bitch the rest of my life.

What do you call a woman without an asshole? Divorced.

My ex-wife is like a good laxative...she irritates the shit out of you.

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Divorce is having your genitals torn off through your wallet. - Robin Williams

Love is grand. Divorce is at least 20 grand.

When I got divorced, my wife and I split the house. I got the outside and she got the inside.

Of all the new weight loss programs and exercise videos available, divorce is still the most effective. Where else can you get rid of 205 pounds in a quick 90 days.

Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. - Ambrose Pierce

When does a woman stop masturbating? After the divorce is finalized.

Says Jim after the divorce was finally settled:

- Eh, I didn't care for some of her habits...

- I mean, she was a slob! Every time I went to take a piss, she always had dirty dishes laying there in the sink!

Two guys are talking in a bar. The first one says:

- My ex-wives were great housekeepers. The first one kept the house, the second one kept the house....

"What do tornadoes and marriage have in common? At first, there's a lot of blowing and sucking. Then when it's over, your whole house is gone.

I blame my divorce on my ex-husband's calculating mind. He put two and two together.

How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.

What is the difference between Saddam Hussein and your ex-wife's lawyer? Compared with the lawyer's demands, Hussein's are reasonable.

There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.

Imagine the trademarks:

- Nike Condoms: Just do It

- Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling

- Ford Condoms: The ride of your life

- Sony Condoms: Do not underestimate the power of Sony

- Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?

- KFC Condoms: Finger Licking Good

- M&Ms Condoms: Melt in your mouth, not in your hands

- Coca-Cola Condom: The Real Thing

- Ever-Ready Condoms: Keep going and going

- Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple

- Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop

How do you break the nose on a blonde?
→ You put a dildo under a glass table!

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled.

- Jeeves - she said.

- Take off my dress.

He did this carefully.

- Jeeves - she continued.

- Take off my stockings and garter.

He silently obeyed her.

- Jeeves - she then said.

- Remove my bra and panties.

As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She then said:

- Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!

A short guide to comparative religions:

Taoism : Shit Happens.

Buddhism : If shit happens it's not really shit.

Islam : If shit happens it is the will of Allah

Protestantism : Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Judaism : Why does this shit always happen to us?

Hinduism : This shit happened before.

Catholicism : Shit happens cuz you are bad.

Hare Krishna : Shit happens rama rama.

T.V. evangelism : Send more shit.

Atheism : NO shit!

Jehovah's witness : Knock Knock Shit happens.

Hedonism : There's nothing like a good shit happening.

Christian Science : Shit happens in your mind.

Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.

Existentialism : What is shit anyway?

Stoicism : This shit doesn't bother me.

Rastafarianinsm : Let's smoke this shit.

A husband and wife had been fighting for 3-4 days.

The next morning they got up and were still not talking. The wife broke the silence by saying she had a dream last night.

The husband asked her about what.

She said she had a dream she was at an auction. They were auctioning off Penises. The little ones went for $500.00 and the big ones went for $1000.00.

The husband throws out his chest and curiously asked what one like his went for. His wife told him bluntly that they were giving them away as door prizes!

Her husband non-chalantly brushes this aside and tell his wife that:

- I had a dream last night too. They were auctioning off Pussys. The loose ones went for $500.00 and the tight ones went for $1000.00.

The wife, not quite thinking he would come back at her asked him how much one like hers sold for.

Sell? The didn't sell yours... where in the hell do you think they held the auction!

As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked:

- Have you just gotten out of prison?

- Yeah - the guy replied.

- How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?

- Partly - She said.

- But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'

There once was a man named Dave,
who found a dead whore in a cave.

She was ugly as shit
and missing one tit,
but think of the money he saved!

What do a blonde and President Gorbachev have in common?
→ They both got fucked by 10 men whilst on holiday.

What's the difference between a blonde and President Gorbachev?
→ He knows who the ten men were.