Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

- Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we could do without the ironing lady.

- Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.

So ... the other day, my friends and I went to this "Ladies Night Club."

One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill.

The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on his butt cheek.

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt cheek. Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the $50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that?

I got out my wallet, thought for a minute ... and then the financial analyst in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home!

What is the difference between pink and purple?
→ The grip, man, its all in the grip!

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said:

- Forgive me Father for I have sinned.....

- What have you done Tommy O'Connor? - said the Priest.

- I had sex with a girl.

- Who was it Tommy?

- I cannot tell you Father, please forgive me for my sin.

- Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?

- No Father, please forgive me for my sin.

- Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?

- No Father, I cannot tell you, please forgive me.

- Well then, was it Sarah Martha O'Keefe?

- No Father, I cannot tell you who it was.

- Okay Tommy, go say 5 Hail Marys and 4 Our Fathers and you will be forgiven.

So Tommy walked out to the pew where his friend Joseph was waiting...

- What did you get? - asked Joseph.

- Well, I got 5 Hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads!

In desperation, the young bride finally wrote to Xaviera Hollander:

I'm married to a sex maniac. My husband never leaves me alone. He makes love to me all night long, while I'm in the shower, while I'm cooking breakfast, while I'm making the beds, and even while I'm trying to clean the house. Can you tell me what to do?

Signed, Worn Out

P.S. Please excuse the jerky handwriting

There are three things a man over 40 should never forget:

- Never pass up the opportunity to take a leak.

- Never trust a fart.

- Never take a hard-on for granted.

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

- What's wrong dearest?? - asked the confused husband.

- Oh darling, - sobbed the wife, I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???

- Well, - replied the man...

"I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

Cover Charge: $15.00
Round of Drinks: $23.00
Table Dance: $30.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Couch Dance and Tips: $50.00
A Round of Shots: $34.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her:

PRICELESS!

What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies?
→ Snowballs.

Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says:

- Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank.

- But we's privates - protests Junior.

- NO, we's sergeants now - says Bubba, pulling him inside.

- Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank.

- But, we's privates - says Junior.

- You blind, boy! - says Bubba, pointing at his stripes.

- We's Sergeants now!

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.

- You're cute - she says.

- and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea.

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers:

- Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign.

Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

- Junior - he says.

- What you give me the okay for?!

- Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates.

Then he pointed to his stripes and says:

- But we's Sergeants now!