Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

There once was a man named Dave,
who found a dead whore in a cave.

She was ugly as shit
and missing one tit,
but think of the money he saved!

Marie's funeral is a sad one as she goes to join her departed husband. Standing near the casket, a mourner keeps repeating:

- At last they're together. At last they're together.

A mourner whispers:

- Why are you making such a tumult? She was a tramp even when Nick was alive. What's with this nonsense...at last they're together!

The first mourner responds:

- I'm talking about her LEGS! At last they're together!

Why did God give man a penis?
→ So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up!

What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
→ Its Braille for "suck here."

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
→ Lipstick.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
→ They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
→ They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
→ After 5 years your job will still suck.

How is a women like a condom?
→ Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What's the difference between a '90's woman and a computer?
→ A '90's woman won't accept a three and a half inch floppy.

What do you call an open can of tuna in a Lesbians apartment?
→ Po-pouri!!!

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
→ Stick his bill up his ass.

- Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we could do without the ironing lady.

- Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.

When God made man, he made him out of string.
He had a little left, so he left a little thing.

When God made woman, he made her out of lace.
He didn't have enough, so he left a little space.

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

He is going to try to put his hand between your legs , you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family.

With that bit of advise, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said.

But she said:

- grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family.

- When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family!

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says:

- Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want.

The Russian begins thinking:

- Well, I really like drinking vodka.

Finally the Russian says:

- I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka.

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife:

- Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!

She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife:

- Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka.

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him:

- But Boris, why do we need only one glass?

Boris raises the glass and says:

- Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle!

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

- Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent.

- ONE CENT - that's awesome! - exclaimed the guy.

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks:

- Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?

- Certainly, sir - replies the bartender.

- but all that comes to real money.

- How much money? - inquires the guy.

- 4 cents - replies the bartender.

- FOUR cents! - exclaims the guy...

- Where's the Guy who owns this place?

The bartender replies:

- Upstairs with my wife.

The guy says:

- What's he doing with your wife?

The bartender replies...

- Same as I'm doing to his business!