Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.

- I'm lost - said the man. - Can you put me up for the night?

- Certainly - the Chinese man said - but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.

- Ok - said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:

- Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.

- Well, that's pretty crappy - he thought. - If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about.

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read:

- Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read:

- Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said:

- If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said:

- You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said:

- I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week.

One day a teacher was asking her class to use absolutely in a sentence.
So Janet raised her hand and said the sky is absolutely blue, the teacher said no, it is not, sometimes is black or has different colors.
Another little boy raised his hand and said:

- the leaves on the trees are absolutely green - the teacher said no, they could be different colors at different times of the year.

Little Johnny raised his hand and asked if there where lumps in farts, the teachers said no, I don't believe so.
And Little Johnny said:

- well then I absolutely just shit in my pants!!!!

What does a nymphomaniac say after she's had sex?
→ Do all you guys play for the same team?

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing.

"Whatya do that fer?" he asked.

"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied. The old man asked, "Does that help?"

The cowboy said, "No, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
→ Because they can't even keep two calves together!

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
→ Hump me Dump me.

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said:

- I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The eyes said:

- I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The hands said:

- Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The stomach said:

- I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The legs said:

- Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

Then the rectum said:

- I think I should be in charge.

All the rest of the parts said:

- YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge.

So the rectum closed up.

After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just be an asshole!

Ballad of the Bobbitt Hillbillies! Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies:

Here's a little story of a man named John
A poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife
She lopped off his schlong with a swipe of a knife
Pecker that is,
Rodeoed, fillet food

Well, the next thing you know there's a ginsu by his side
And Lorena's in the car taking willie for a ride
She soon got tired of her purple headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she rounded the bend
Curve, that is
Pricker shrubs, wheel hubs

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back
They sniffed and they barked, then they pointed "over there"
To John Wayne's henry that was wavin' in the air
Found, that is
By a fence, evidence

Now peter and John couldn't stay apart too long
So a d***-doc said:

- Hey, I can fix your d**g!

A needle and a thread's just the thing you're gonna need
Then the world held it's breath till they heard that John peed
Whizzed, that is
Stitched seam, straight stream

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
With a cock-eyed lawyer (since his assets came up short)
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only one they didn't show on tape
Video, that is,
Unexposed, case closed

Three guys made a competition to see who would make a girl scream louder in bed.

The first one went in, meanwhile the other two stayed out and listened to the girl moan for a bit.

The second one went in and the girl screamed a little bit harder.

When the third one went in, the girl SCREAMED! and SCREAMED! About an hour later the girl came out moaning.

The first guy asked "Wow, how did you do that?" The guy, all tired and wet replied "I simply used my head".