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Moose Costume

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, put on their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said:

- OK, lets get out and get him.

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted:

- The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?

The guy in the front says:

- Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but if I were you, I'd brace myself!

Confucius Say

Confucius Say...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

He who lives in glass house, dress in basement.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.

Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.

Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.

Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

He who run behind bus get exhausted.

Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.

Man who puts dick in Peanut Butter jar is Fucking Nuts.

Girl Watchers' Health Study

Well, if there's any truth to this study at all, then I should live to be 180 minimum! :)

From the New England Journal of Medicine:

Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered.

According to the New England Journal of Medicine:

- Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out - declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Weatherby.

Dr. Weatherby and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients - half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so.

The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease.

- Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation - explains Dr. Weatherby.

- There's no question: Gazing at breasts makes men healthier.

- Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years.

...hmmm - I wonder if PC boobies count?

P.S: I've already volunteered myself to science just in case they want to do a "hands on" study of the same type...woo-hoo!

I Love You Translations

HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN 9 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES:

- English: I Love you

- Spanish: Te Amo

- French: Je T'aimes

- German: Ich Liebe Dich

- Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu

- Italian: Ti Amo

- Chinese: Wo Ai Ni

- Swedish: Jag Alskar

- Alabama, Arkansas, North Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Texas, Mississippi, North Carolina and Kentucky: Nice Tits

The Deaf Society Speech

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

- Well, - he explained - By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen.

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.

- Well, - he explained - By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen.

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.

- Well, - he explained - by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying - Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure.......

The Magician's Finish

A famous magician had a thundering finish to his act. He would fill a large bowl with shit and proceed to slurp it noisily, to the amazement of his audience.

One night he had just begun the wow finish of his act when he stopped in his tracks.

- Go ahead - said the stage manager:

- Eat the shit, eat the shit!

- I just can't do it - said the magician:

- There's a hair in it!

Frog In Throat

A woman is on her honeymoon with her new French husband. She is giving him oral sex when the phone rings.

The husband answers it, to find out is his mother-in-law, asking for her daughter.

He says:

- She cannot talk rrright now, she 'as a frog in ze thrrrought.

Doctor's Orders

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice:

- Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner:

- Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her.

- Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help.

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

- Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you - she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said:

- Yes?

- Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please? - said the officer.

- Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle - he replied confidently.

- Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago.

Grandpa Without Pants

One day, Jimmy is walking home from school. When he gets home, he finds his grandpa sitting on the Porch without any pants on!

So he goes up to his grandpa and says:

- Grandpa, do you realize that you're not wearing any pants?

His grandpa replies:

- Yes Jimmy, I do.

Jimmy then says:

- Well, why are you outside without any pants on Grandpa?

His grandpa looks at Jimmy and responds:

- Well Jimmy, yesterday I sat outside without a shirt to long, and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandma's idea.