Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says:

- Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancee thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me?

After the doctor stopped laughing, he says:

- Medically, no, but here's something you can try...on the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping.

The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks:

- what the *@#% was that? The wife explains:

- oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping.

The husband cries out:

- Well snap it again, it's got my balls!!!!

Did you hear about the gay Polak?

He slept with women.

A little boy walks down the street with a dead frog on a string.

He enters a whorehouse and approaches the madam.

- Madam, I would like to have a girl for the afternoon. - says the little boy.

- Sonny, I think you're a little young for that. - replies the madam.

The little boy places a $100 bill in the madam's hand.

- One lady coming up. - says the madam.

- And I want her to have herpes - says the little boy.

- Why on earth would you want that? - asked the madam, and anyway, I don't have any women like that. All my girls are clean.

The little boy pulls out another $100 bill and gives it to the madam.

- One dirty girl, coming up - she says.

The madam takes the little boy upstairs and leaves him in a room with a well endowed blonde. When he comes down a little bit later, she says:

- Son, I can understand you wanting to get laid, but why on earth would you want to catch something like herpes?

The little boy looks the madam straight in the eye and says:

- It's like this lady... When I get home the babysitter's going to be there and I'm gonna fuck her and SHE'S going to get the herpes.

- Then when my mom and dad come home, my dad's going to take the babysitter home and fuck her and HE'S going to get the herpes.

- Then when my dad gets home, he's going to fuck my mom and SHE'S going to get the herpes.

- Then about 10 o'clock tomorrow morning, the mailman's going to show up at my house and fuck my mom and HE'S THE ONE THAT KILLED MY FUCKING FROG!

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them.

The beech says to the birch:

- Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling.

The birch says:

- Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies:

- It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.

A wife arrived home and found her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him out of the house, into the tool shed in their back yard and put his penis in a vice. Securing it tightly and removing the handle of the vice, she then picked up a hacksaw.

Terrified, her husband screamed:

- Stop! Please! You aren't going to cut it off, are you?

Placing the saw in her husband's hand and with a gleam of revenge in her eye, the wife replied:

- Of course not! I'm going to set fire to the shed. You do whatever you have to do!

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.

- I'm lost - said the man. - Can you put me up for the night?

- Certainly - the Chinese man said - but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.

- Ok - said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:

- Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.

- Well, that's pretty crappy - he thought. - If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about.

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read:

- Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read:

- Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.

A German woman is walking down the street.

Eleven blonde guys walk up and attack her.

She screams:

- Nein! Nein!

So two guys walk away.

It seems that two of the great Romantic British Poets, Shelly and Keats died on the same day.

When they got to heaven St. Peter said:

- I'm sorry, but I only have room for one poet. I'll tell you what I'll do. Each of you must make up a poem using the word 'Timbuctoo.' The one who creates the best poem I'll let into heaven.

So Shelly goes first. He thinks a bit and after a few moments, he starts:

- I stood upon the burning sand gazing at a far off land. A caravan came into view it's destination: Timbuctoo.

- Very good! - says St. Peter, Keats it's your turn. Do you think you can top that one?

Keats just smiled and started his poem:

- Tim and I a hunting went, and found three maidens in a tent. Since they were three and we were two, I bucked one and Timbuctoo.

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
→ Tits Go In Front.

The teacher of the fourth grade class was giving an English lesson:

- All right class, I want everyone to write a sentence which starts with a question and ends with an answer and has the words possible and definite in it!

All at once, young Johnny's hand shot up.

- Miss! Miss! - called Johnny.

- Write it down, Johnny! - said the teacher.

- ... But Miss! Miss! Miss! - Johnny intoned.

- I said write it down! - exclaimed the teacher who was now quite peeved.

- Miss! Miss! - called Johnny once more.

- Okay, Johnny. I give up. What is it?

- Is it possible that farts have lumps in them?

- No! - said the startled teacher.

- Then I have definitely shit myself!