Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say:

- You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.

So the married couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them:

- I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man:

- How could sandals make you into a sex freak?

The Pakistani man replied:

- Just try them on.

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years--- raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming:

- YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!

With a puzzled look on his face an Indian boy asked, "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her." "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived," she explained. The Mother Indian paused for a moment then asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

Two nuns go to a restaurant to have dinner. They notice Rocky Mountain Oysters on the menu and wondered what that was.

They ask the waiter who replies:

- Oh Sister, those are nuts.

She answers:

- Do you mean like the kind you crack with a rock?

- No. The kind you rock on a crack.

Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her reading lamp one passionate night -- only to find a cucumber in his hand.

- Is THIS - she asked, pointing to the vegetable - what you've been using on me for the last 5 years?

- Honey, let me explain...

- Why, you sneaky bastard! - she screamed - You impotent son of a -

- Speaking of sneaky - her husband coolly interjected - maybe you'd like to explain our three kids.

A profoundly ugly girl went to the psychiatrist.

- My life is a mess, doctor - she began.

- I am so fucking hideous that no one will associate with me, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?

- Why, certainly! Helping people feel much better about themselves is my area of expertise. I can start making you feel more confident about your appearance right here and now.

- Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first? - she asked.

- First things first. Just walk over to the other side of the room and lie face down on my couch.

What do you call a woman who can suck golf balls through a hose?
→ Darling.

A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession:

- Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates.

- BASTARD! - cried the Mother Superior.

- For years he told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I have been blowing it.

On the airplane on his way back to Rome, the Pope was doing a crossword puzzle. After a while, he turned to the bishop sitting next to him and said:

- What's a four-letter word ending in ‘unt’ which means ‘woman’?

The bishop said:

- Did you try ‘aunt’?

The Pope said:

- Mmmm. Do you have an eraser?

What's the difference between a rotwieler and a poodle?
→ If a rotwieler starts humping your leg you let it finish.

What's long and hard and excites a girl when she's finally lucky enough to get on it?
→ The road to success!