Random joke from this category
"Why do you look so glum today?", the teacher asked young Johnny. "I didn't have no breakfast," Johnny mumbled. "You poor dear," said the teacher. "Now, to return to our geography lesson, Johnny, where is the French border?" "In bed with my mom. That's why I didn't have no breakfast."
Sarah was a curious thirteen year old girl. "Mommy," she said, "I'd like you to answer one question." "Very good," replied her mother, "I was wondering when you would become curious about birds, flowers and bees." "It's not that," said the girl. "I know all about screwing. What I would like to know is how to make lasagna."
A blonde came running home to her mother, sobbing and hysterical.
- What's wrong? - her mum, (another blonde) asked.
- My boyfriend's just dropped me - wailed the blonde.
Her mother nodded wisely and started to tell her all about the birds and the bees.
- No mum - the blonde interrupted.
- You don't understand - I can fuck and suck with the best of them, but he says I can't cook!
A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down.
- My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed - she said.
- What a coincidence! My wife just left me - said the man. She told me that I was too kinky for her, too!
The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex.
When they get to the woman's house she turns to the man and says:
- Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable.
She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrix outfit.
However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door.
- What happened? - she said. I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?
He looks at her and says:
- Well, I just screwed your dog and shit in your purse. I'm done.
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies:
- Mama! I have someone for you to meet.
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. One room and the normal follow up to that.
Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks:
- Why the panties?
She replies:
- My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.
He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks:
- What's with this... a black condom?
He replies:
- I'm going to offer my condolences.
This man was having problems getting it up to have sex with his wife, so he went to the doctor for advice. The doctor told him the next time he wanted to have sex, to stick his finger in his wife's pussy, and then rub it under his nose, and the smell would cause his hormones to kick in, and he would obtain an erection.
That night, he decided to make his move. He turned out all the lights and got into bed. He put his finger in her pussy, and then rubbed it under his nose. He felt a tingling in his cock, and it began to stiffen. Amazed, he decided to see what would happen if he used two fingers. He stuck them in her pussy, then rubbed them both under his nose, and his cock quickly jumped to 3/4 erect.
He decided to try 3 fingers, so he put them in her pussy, then rubbed them all around under his nose. Soon he was sporting the biggest hard on he could remember. He said:
- Honey, quick, turn on the lights, and check this out!
She turned on the lights, and with his dick standing tall, he proudly asked:
- What do you think?
She looked at him and said:
- Looks like the worst nose bleed I've ever seen!
Two Amish women were out picking potatoes in the field when one of them picked up two huge potatoes and said:
- These potatoes remind me of Emil's balls
- Are they that big? - asked the other.
- No they're this dirty.
Confucious say: "Man who goes to sleep with sex on mind wakes up with solution in hand."
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball???
→ She choked...
This fellow comes to confession. Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned.
The priest asked:
- What did you do, my son?
The fellow replied:
- I lusted.
The priest said:
- Tell me about it.
The fellow then related his story:
- Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in.
The priest asked:
- And, what did you do, my son?
The man replied:
- Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted.
The priest replied:
- Your sin has been forgiven.
- You will get your reward in heaven, my son.
The fellow asked:
- A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?
The priest replied:
- I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass.
