Random joke from this category
Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor. The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear." The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms." The third nurse fainted.
Little Johnny goes into a pharmacy and asks the chemist for some rubbers.
The chemist puts a pack of rubbers on the counter. Johnny looks at the rubbers and asks the chemist if he has any other kind. The chemist goes into the back and brings out another pack.
- Nah - says Johnny - what else do you have?
- Well - the chemist replies - the only other kind that I have are the ones with all the bumps and ridges on them. Do you know what these will do to a woman?
Little Johnny says:
- No... but they'll make a goat jump about two feet off of the ground!
A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says:
- 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.
The small guy faints.
The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy:
- What's wrong with you?
The small guy says:
- Excuse me, but what did you say?
The big dude looks down and says:
- 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.
The small guy says:
- Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'.
A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."
A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why had she left her previous employment, she replied, "Yes, sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. Last night they played a game called Bridge and a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, 'Lay down and let's see what you've got.' Another man said, 'I've got strength but no length.' Another man says to the lady, 'Take your hand off my trick!'
"I pretty dropped dead just then, when the lady answered, 'You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise.' Another lady was talking about protecting her honor. Another lady said, 'Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine.'
"Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn't say, 'Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the last rubber.'"
A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says:
- Three million dollars.
The accounts person is startled, and says:
- In what form?
and the little old lady says:
- Cash. I've got it here in this bag...
and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally.
Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says:
- Gambling.
- Gambling? - he says.
- What sort of gambling?
- Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?
The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money.
- I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!
The little old lady just shook the bag, and said:
- I know what I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?
- Ok, have it your way - said the president, and they shook hands on it.
- See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning - said the little old lady, and with that she left.
Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.
- Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be? - said the president.
- He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?
- No, perfectly understandable - said the president.
- Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win! - he said happily.
The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.
- Not so fast! - said the little old lady.
- For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants.
- Ok, you win, here's your $100,000 - says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills.
As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.
- What's wrong with him? - asks the bank president.
- Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today.
When is premature ejaculation a serious problem?
→ When it occurs between "hello" and "what's your sign?"
Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. He comes running up to his mom and says:
- Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!
The mom says:
- the bigger they are, the dumber they are.
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says:
- Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!
Mom says:
- the bigger they are, the dumber they are.
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says:
- Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!
The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life
- The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
- The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
- The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
- The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
- The Interior Designer - who tells her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
- The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"
- The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball. Seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
- What's that? - she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
- Tennis ball - came the breathless reply.
- Oh - said the girl sympathetically - that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once.
