Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Dear Friends,

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers-piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.

On top of all this! Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone.

Love, Santa

A straight guy and a gay are in the men's room and the straight guy has his shirt unbuttoned exposing a heavy coat of chest hair. The gay asked how he came to have so much hair on his chest. He said, "I put Vaseline on it every night." That night the gay put Vaseline on his chest and went to bed. His partner George said, "What in the hell is that?" "It's to grow hair." he replied. "Bull shit!" said George. "If Vaseline grew hair...

I'd have tail a mile long!

President Bill Clinton called Chretien with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried, "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

"Bill, da Canadian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'help you," replied the Prime Minister.

"I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Certainment! I get right on it!" said Chretien.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Clinton.

"Oui?"

"Could the condoms be red, white & blue in color, at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Clinton.

"No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan Condoms.

"I need a favor, you got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send 'dem to Hamerica."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, dey hab to be bleu, blanc et rouge in colour; at least 10" long and 4" in diameter."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yah," said the Prime Minister, "an' print 'MADE IN CANADA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."

What do you call a blonde with white eyes?full up......

Sent by Rob

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her,... don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.

So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."

The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem!! I have. I have."

Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."

The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

An elderly couple walk into a doctor's office. The man tells the doctor, "Doctor, we want to have a baby." The doctor replies, "At your age I don't think it's possible, but I'll give you a jar, come back in a few days with a sperm sample." So the couple comes back a few days later.

They give the doctor an empty jar. The doctor says, "I was afraid of this." The old man says, "No, it's not what you think. I tried it with my left hand. I tried it with my right hand. She tried it with her left hand. She tried it with her right hand. She tried it with her teeth in. She tried it with her teeth out. But we couldn't get the lid off the jar."

"Jim will not be in today. He is not feeling himself. Thank you."

THIS MEANS:

1. He doesn't feel the way he usually does.
2. He is not in complete control of his hands.
3. His emotions are shattered.
4. His skin is numb.
5. He has transformed into an alter-ego (i.e. professional wrestler)
6. He is not feeling himself, in a biblical sense.
7. He has been covered in saran-wrap.
8. He is in an isolation tank.
9. He wanted to take a day off but couldn't come up with an actual illness to fake.
10. He is feeling others. :)

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day.

As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision.

After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time.

The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up.

The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties.

The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note: "This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove."

These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.

Love,
Honey Bear

p.s. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.

Blondes dumb?!?!? After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with ablonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some foodto replenish his justspent energy. He pours himself a glass of milkand right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still prettyhot,so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blondewalks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.

After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."