Clean Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why are sheep always in a field?
→ Because they can't get out !

Who gives my cat his Christmas presents?
→ Santa Paws!

Who gives my other cat his Christmas presents?
→ Santa Claws!

What did the hat say to the scarf?
→ You hang around while i go ahead!

Whats the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
→ Snowballs!

What did mary say to santa during the storm?
→ Look at that rain, dear!

Where do plumbers buy there presents?
→ Bath!

Why is it best to park your car near the moon?
→ Because there is a lot of space!

What is the use of reindeer?
→ It makes the garden grow sweetie!

How many legs does rudolph have?
→ Four? No, six. - he's got forelegs and two back legs!

What game do six reindeer play in the back of a mini?
→ Squash!

Why did the reindeer take his nose apart?
→ To see what made it run!

What do you call a reindeer that has a number on its tail?
→ Reg!

Did you hear the story of the 3 reindeer?
→ No. Oh deer, Oh deer, Oh deer

Why do reindeers have wrinkled ankles?
→ Because they lace there boot too tight!

What did santa give the death fisherman for christmas?
→ A herring aid!

Whats the worst thing to get for christmas?
→ Measles!

Where is the best place to buy your dog a christmas present?
→ Leeds!

Where does noddy do his christmas shopping?
→ Redcar!

Where does the queen do her christmas shopping?
→ Newcastle!

What happens if you get too hot at a football match?
→ Sit a bit closer to one of the fans.

Why is it hard for a ghost to tell a lie?
→ Because you can see right through him.

For Chocolate Lovers:

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
→ Because no one wants to quit.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

What is Black and White and Red all over?
→ A Newspaper

What do you call rubber bumpers on yachts?
→ Shark absorbers!

What happened to the cold jellyfish?
→ It set!

Where do werewolves stay when they're on vacation?
→ At the Howliday Inn!

How many tourists does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.

What's an octopuses favourite latin saying?
→ Squid pro quo!

- Knock, knock.

- Who's there?

- Dwayne.

- Dwayne who?

- DWAYNE THE TUB! I'M DWOWNING!