Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"

What did the worm say to the other when he was late home?
→ Where in earth have you been!

Why did the elephant walk on two feet?
→ To give the ants a chance!

Why do elephants have trunks?
→ Because they've no pockets to put things in!

Why did the elephant jump in the lake when it began to rain?
→ To stop getting wet!

What do elephants do in the evenings?
→ Watch elevision!

How to elephants talk to each other?
→ By 'elephone!

What did the zoo keeper say when he saw four elephants walking over the hill towards him wearing sunglasses?
→ Nothing, he didn't recognize them!

When do elephants have 8 feet?
→ When there are two of them!

What did the elephant say to the famous detective?
→ It's ele-mentary, my dear Sherlock!

- Zoo Keeper: I've lost one of my elephants

- Other Zoo Keeper: Why don't you put an advert in the paper?

- Zoo Keeper: Don't be silly, he can't read!

What do you do if you find a blue elephant?
→ Try and cheer him up!

Patterson, New Jersey:
When 60-year-old Al Asbaty returned to his car after shopping, he was startled to find that thousands of bees were building a hive inside his Oldsmobile.

Due to the sunny and warm weather, he had left the windows rolled down, allowing a queen bee to fly in, followed by about 20,000 of her most faithful servants.

Just as one of Asbaty's relatives was about to spray the inside of the car with a can of insecticide, police bee expert Tom Fuscalo arrived and managed to coax the insects into an artificial hive.

Why did the unwashed chicken cross the road twice?
→ Because he was a dirty double crosser!

What do you call a sleeping bull?
→ A bulldozer!

What has two legs and flies?
→ A pig!

What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?
→ A cow that can milk itself!

Why did the farmer call his pig 'Ink'?
→ Because he kept running out of the pen!

What do you get from an Alaskan cow?
→ Cold cream!

What game do cows play at parties?
→ Moosical chairs!

Why is it called a 'herd' of cattle?
→ Well, have you 'herd' the sound they make!

Why was the lamb told off for being rude?
→ He would not say 'thank ewe' to his mum!

What is the most breathless thing on television?
→ The Pink Panter Show!

What do you get if you cross a leopard with a watchdog?
→ A terrified postman!

When is a lion not a lion?
→ When he turns into his cage!

What do cat actors say on stage?
→ Tabby or not tabby!

What did the cat say when he lost all his money?
→ I'm paw!

What do you call a lioin who has eaten your mother's sister?
→ An aunt-eater!

What do tigers wear in bed?
→ Stripey pyjamas!

Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge?
→ Because it turns "ice" into "mice"!

1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m.
2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.
3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet.
4. The cats have every right to be in the living room.
5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid
6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk
7. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can.
8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once.
9. No, it's my food....

Oh alright then, just a small piece.

Where are most fish found?
→ Between the head and the tail!

What kind of fish will help you hear better?
→ A herring aid!

What do fish sing to each other?
→ Salmon-chanted evening!

How does an octopus go to war?
→ Well-armed!

Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?
→ On squid row!

What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
→ Monkfish!

What bit of fish doesn't make sense?
→ The piece of cod that passeth all understanding!

What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings?
→ A fish tank!

What was the Tsar of Russia's favorite fish?
→ Tsardines!

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
→ I wanna hold you hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!

Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple?
→ Because everyone had to go on in pairs!

What has 8 legs and likes living in trees?
→ Four anti road protesters?