Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.

The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!"

The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"

Why did the bull rush?
→ Because it saw the cow slip!

What kind of bird lays electric eggs?
→ A battery hen!

What do you call an arctic cow?
→ An eskimoo!

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
→ A brick-layer!

How do you fit more pigs on your farm?
→ Build a sty-scraper!

Why does a rooster watch TV?
→ For hentertainment!

What do you get from a drunk chicken?
→ Scotch eggs!

What do you call a crate of ducks?
→ A box of quackers!

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a bell?
→ A bird that has to wring its own neck!

What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?
→ A stripey sweater!

How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling?
→ She's got that down in the mouth look!

What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary?
→ A peeping tom!

Why is the desert lion everyone's favorite at Christmas?
→ Because he has sandy claws!

How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
→ 'Pleased to eat you.'!

What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?
→ Frostbite!

What is a French cat's favorite pudding?
→ Chocolate mousse!

What is the smartest blonde?
→ A golden retriever

9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."
10. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
11. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.
12. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.
13. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of "CyberDog."
14. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
15. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.
16. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser. and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password...
17. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

There's a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.

The headquarters in the US calls: "Monkey #1, Monkey #1 report to coms for instructions."

He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.

A few moments later headquarters calls again: "Monkey #2, Monkey #2 report to coms for instructions." He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman, woman please report to coms for instructions." She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says..... "I know, I know!! Feed the monkeys, and don't touch a damn thing."

What time is it when an elephant sits on the fence?
→ Time to fix the fence!

What's grey, stands in a river when it rains and doesn't get wet?
→ An elephant with an umbrella!

What's grey with red spots?
→ An elephant with the measles!

Why does an elephant wear sneakers?
→ So that he can sneak up on mice!

What's big and grey and wears a mask?
→ The elephantom of the opera!

What's grey and moves at a hundred miles an hour?
→ A jet propelled elephant!

Why did the elephant cross the road?
→ Because the chicken was having a day off!

What do you call an elephant at the North Pole?
→ Lost!

Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool?
→ Because they couldn't hold their trunks up!

Why don't chickens like people?
→ They beat eggs!

Why did the rooster run away?
→ He was chicken!

What do chickens grow on?
→ Eggplants!

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
→ He heard the referee calling fowls

Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
→ Because talk is cheep!

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a duck?
→ A bird that lays down!

What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
→ She lays hand gren-eggs!

Why did the chicken cross the "net"?
→ It wanted to get to the other site!

What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning?
→ An alarm cluck!

Why did the chicken cross the road half way?
→ He wanted to lay it on the line!

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"

"No."

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.

"That's not my dog."

A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."