Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What has 8 legs and likes living in trees?
→ Four anti road protesters?

How is a cat laying down like a coin?
→ Because he has his head on one side and his tail on the other!

Why are cars longer in the evening than they are in the morning?
→ Because they're let out in the evening and taking in in the morning!

What cat purrs more than any other?
→ Purrsians!

How do you spell mousetrap in just three letters?
→ C-A-T!

Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
→ There was some money in the kitty!

What does a cat call a bowl of mice?
→ A purrfect meal!

Why did the cat sleep under the car?
→ Because she wanted to wake up oily!

What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese?
→ He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath!

What is another way to describe a cat?
→ A heat seeking missile!

What do you get if you sleep under a cow?
→ A PAT on the head.

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam.

It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, and young George was pretty excited.

"Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George.

"George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam.

"Okay, I can do that." George answered. Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few more instructions.

"Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle" said Sam.

"OK, OK, let's go!" said George.

"Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?" said Sam.

"Sure" says George.

Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remember's Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say - "Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am."

What is a crowbar?
→ A place where crows go to get a drink!

What do you call the story of The Three Little Pigs?
→ A pigtail!

Where do cows go on a Saturday night?
→ To the moo-vies!

If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
→ Plenty of milk!

Why did the baby turkey bolt down his food?
→ Because he was a little gobbler!

Why did the starstruck chicken cross the road?
→ To see Gregory Peck!

What kind of tie does a pig wear?
→ Pig's tie!

What is another name for a cow?
→ A lawn-mooer!

Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
→ Because she was afraid someone would caesar!

What do you call a pig thief?
→ A hamburglar!

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"

The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."

What's big and grey with horns?
→ An elephant marching band!

What's yellow on the outside and grey on the inside?
→ An elephant disguised as a banana!

What's big, grey and flies straight up?
→ An elecopter!

What's grey, carries a bunch of flowers and cheers you up when your ill?
→ A get wellephant!

What's grey and never needs ironing?
→ A drip dry elephant!

What's big and grey and red?
→ A sunburnt elephant!

What did the hotel manager say to the elephant that couldn't pay his bill?
→ "Pack your trunk and clear out!"

How do you get an elephant into a matchbox?
→ Take all the matches out first!

What weighs 4 tons and is bright red?
→ An elephant holding its breath!

Two men were walking along the street when they came upon a dog licking his dick.

One man said, "I sure wish I could do that." The other replied, "You can, but you're probably going to have to pet him first."