Situations — best jokes

Fingernail Clippers: That's why we have teeth.

Makeup That is Tattooed on: You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty?

Colored Elastics For Braces: As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough.

Inflatable Furniture: Nothing boosts the ego more than sitting on a couch and popping it.

Crayons That Smell: Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.

Fake Eyelashes: You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes.

The Epilady: Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.

Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers: Kleenex does not get chilly.

Rubber Clothing: Because you shouldn't bounce if you fall down the stairs.

Doggie Sweaters: Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.

Thong underwear: Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.

• You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you suddenly realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox and gave her your mail.
• As a woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn!" Your boss is standing behind you. And it's his wife.
• While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out and you're the only coffee drinker there.
• You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled this week as vacation, not last week.
• You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"
• You wake up hung over.
• You have a black eye and barked knuckles.
• Your underwear is missing.
• You're in jail.
• Last night was the company Christmas party.

1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
5. Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
7. Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
10. Your bologna has no first name.
11. You give blood everyday...just for the orange juice.
12. Sally Struthers sends you food.
13. McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
14. At communion you go back for seconds.

10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
11. Instead of an air bag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
12. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped.
13. The 15 minute JiffyLube needs to keep your car for 3 days.
14. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"
15. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal "The Club."
16. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
17. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.
18. You keep losing dates on left turns.
19. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.
5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.
7. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa.
10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that there had to be something done about it.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She then explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then used it to clean the mirror. Needless to say, there have been no lip prints on the mirror since!

Have you ever smelled mothballs????

I was just wondering how you would get their little legs open!!!!

Bits of information to help you through the day:

- If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

- A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)

- Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)

- Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn't the pig included here?)

- The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)

- The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the gov't pay for this research??)

- Polar bears are left handed. (I'm sure glad somebody found that out!)

- A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. (So my ex-husband WAS a cockroach after all!)

- The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home! What the....")

- Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity!)

- Butterflies taste with their feet. (hmmm...chocolate...doh!...not chocolate, not chocolate! BAD DOG!)

- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

- Starfish don't have any brains. (...and are now employed at JokesGalore.com!)

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the jerk upside the head.

Here's some sure signs you may be a Canadian...

- You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"

- You understand, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine."

- You know what it means to be on 'pogey'.

- You know that "a mickey" and "2-4's" mean "Party at the cabin, eh!!"

- You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.

- You can drink legally while still a 'teen'.

- You don't give a hoot about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.

- You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!

- You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.

- You know that Mounties "don't always look like that."

- You know that Canada is the only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

- You dismiss all beers under 6% alcohol content as "for children and the elderly, and for export to the US".

- You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

- You believe "the Canadian Conspiracy" should have won an Oscar.

- You laugh afterward at some U.S. citizens' lack of knowledge of Canadian geography, but you are too polite to correct them.

- You design your Hallowe'en costume to fit over a snowsuit.

- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

- You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.

- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

- You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.

- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

- If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

- If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

- Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

- What do chickens think we taste like?

- What do people in China call their good plates?

- What do you call a male ladybug?

- What hair color do they put on the drivers license of a bald man?

- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

- When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it?

- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

- How is it possible to have a civil war?

- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

- If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

- Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids?"

- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkey's and apes?

- Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have a "s" in it?

- If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?