Situations — best jokes

Some things I've learned from my children:

- Super glue is forever.

- No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jell-O!

- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of 20 by 20 foot room.

- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. And the glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

- Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

- VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

- Always look in the oven before you turn it on. It's been proven that plastic toys do not like ovens.

- Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

- No - the inmate said.

- just get it over with.

- Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go? - said the guard.

- You didn't even want a special last meal!

The inmate thought.

- Actually - he said.

- Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions.

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started singing:

- One billion bottles of beer on the wall...

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says:

- Someone should go and tell his wife.

Bill says:

- OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.

2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.

Charlie says:

- Where did you get that, Bill?

- Steve's wife gave it to me.

- That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?

Bill says:

- Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.'

- 'No, I'm not a widow.' - she said.

And I said:

- Wanna bet me a six-pack?

Things that can and do bother the "normal" person.

- Having to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thingy in the middle of them.

- The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle. The same person that gives you a "blank stare" when you look at them.

- There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.

- You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

- It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug. Especailly since you don't even have a dog!

- There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

- You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

- Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.

- You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.

- You slice your tongue licking an envelope...

OUCH!

- Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.

- You wash a garment with one tiny tissue in the pocket, and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

- A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling...

DOUBLE OUCH!

- People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.

- You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it!

- You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.

- You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant:

- What are you charged with?

- Doing my Christmas shopping early sir - replied the defendant.

- Well that's not an crime - said the judge!

- How early were you doing this shopping?

- Before the store opened - answered the prisoner.

Some quick thinking to get out of the "caught napping jam!"...

- They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.

- Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout again!

- I wasn't sleeping! I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

- This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

- I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?

- Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem!

- I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without using my hands.

- The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot!

If you're feeling a bit stressed, try these to deal with it...

• Dance naked in front of your pets.
• Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to school as if nothing is wrong. (NOTE: this also works well with the hubby who stayed at the pub too long.)
• Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at once. (Always have a witness on hand, just in case you attempt the Guiness World Record)
• Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.
• Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
• Find out what a frog in a blender "really" looks like. (Hamster in the microwave works well too.)
• Sit naked on a shelled hard boiled egg. ("Don't knock it until you try it!")
• Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
• Make up a language and ask people for directions. (Works great at 7-11's!)
• Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and place it back in the wrapper. (KIDS: make sure you make a nice note titled - For Daddy, I love you.)

NOTES and DISCLAIMERS:

If you are less than 18 years of age: always seek your parent's aproval before attempting any of the above. (Exemption: If the hamster bites you again, nuke him till he glows!)

If you are 18 years of age or older and even think about doing any of these: proceed to the nearest telephone book directory. Look up "clinical psychologist"... drive directly to the first one that accepts "walk-ins!"

Have some fun on your next shopping trip, try these...

• Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like, "Pick Me!! Pick Me!!"
• Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme to "Mission Impossible".
• When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "NO, NO! It's those voices again!"
• Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
• Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
• Look right into the security cameras, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
• When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
• Set up a tent in the Camping Department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bed and Bath aisle.
• Re-dress mannequins as you see fit.
• Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares."
• Make a trail of orange juice on the ground leading to the restrooms.
• Try bras on over your clothes. (works very well if you're a man)
• Run up to an employee, (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and yell at him, "I need tampons!"
• Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they are not looking.

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.

However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked:

- Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?

- Ever go fishing? - the policeman suddenly asked the man.

- Ummm, yeah... - the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added:

- Ever catch all the fish?

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man:

- Congratulations, sir. You're the father of twins!

- What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team!

Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets.

- Wow! That's incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation.

An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply:

- I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!

After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over:

- I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job....