Political Jokes — best jokes

What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?
→ The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.

How does Bill Clinton say "I'm about to hurt you"?
→ "Trust me."

Possible titles for Monica Lewinsky's new book

1. I Suck At My Job
2. What Really Goes Down In The White House
3. How I Blew It In Washington
4. You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
5. Clear and Present Boner
6. Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
7. Going Back for Gore
8. Podium Girl
9. Secret Services to the President
10. Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton
11. Deep Inside The Oval Office
12. The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
13. She's Chief of MY Staff!
14. Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
15. How To Beat Off the Government
16. Going Down and Moving Up
17. Members of the Presidential Cabinet
18. Me and My Big Mouth
19. How To Get Ahead in Business

Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch.

As they read the menu, the waitress comes over and asks Clinton, "Are you ready to order?" Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie!"

"A quickie?!?" the waitress replies. "Sir, given the past situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu!" She walks away.

Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "It's pronounced Quiche."

• Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link -Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995
• Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us -Holland Sentinal, date unknown.
• Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut -The New York Times, November 22
• Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find -The Los Angeles Times, November 2
• "Light" meals are lower in fat, calories -Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30
• Alcohol ads promote drinking -The Hartford Courant, November 18
• Malls try to attract shoppers -The Baltimore Sun, October 22
• Official: Only rain will cure drought -The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
• Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men -The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
• Low Wages Said Key to Poverty -Newsday, July 11
• Man shoots neighbor with machete -The Miami Herald, July 3
• Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes -The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30
• Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows -The New York Times, March 10
• Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies -The Los Angeles Times, March 2
• Scientists see quakes in L.A. future -The Oregonian, January 28
• Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning -The Buffalo News, February 26
• Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold -Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26
• Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer -Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25
• Economist uses theory to explain economy -Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8
• Bible church's focus is the Bible -Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994
• Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons -Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6
• Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity -The Chicago Tribune, March 5
• Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear -Journal of Commerce, April 20
• Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person -The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2
• Lack of brains hinders research -The Columbus Dispatch, April 16
• Cement Supplies seen as adequate -The Bangkok Post, January 28
• How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hay -Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5
• Fish lurk in streams -Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29
• Dole loses debate by not winning -Some newspaper

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people" -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." -- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." -- Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

"It's like deja vu all over again." -- Yogi Berra

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese" -- Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -- A congressional candidate in Texas

"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody." -- Richard M. Nixon

"The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet." -- Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before." -- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money." -- Everett Dirksen

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." -- Samuel Goldwyn

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." -- General William Westmoreland

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste"

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." -- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
→ In order for us to get some dick in the White House, we had to go out and vote.

How will history remember Bill Clinton?
→ The President after Bush.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
→ One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate Lab.

What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
→ "Don't hit your head on the desk."

Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on President's day?
→ All pants half off.

What do Monica Lewinsky and the Buffalo Bills have in common?
→ They both blew the big one several times.

What was the first thing Monica saw in government?
→ The Executive Branch.

What do Monica Lewinsky and soda pop machines have in common?
→ They both have slots which say "Insert Bill" here.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton & J.F.K?
→ One got his head blown off in the back of a limousine & the other got assasinated.

What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
→ A DICTATOR!!

Sources close to President Clinton say he is proposing a new national anthem for the United States, "Yank my Dandy Doodle!"