Political Jokes — best jokes

- What makes Britain so strong?

- It's the two-party system. One big party on every friday and another big party on every saturday

"Only in America"...

• can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance
• are there handicapped parking places in front of a skating rink
• do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke
• do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters
• do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage
• do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place
• do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight
• do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures".

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell. Satan is giving him a VIP tour, showing him his options for spending eternity.

They come to a room marked "Hitler." Inside is Eva Braun, torturing Adolf Hitler with red-hot irons. Every time Hitler tries to escape, Eva applies another iron.

"I can't spend eternity like that," says Clinton. "Show me something else." Satan takes him to another room marked "Jack the Ripper."

Inside are three mutilated prostitutes, stretching Jack on the rack.

Every time Jack screams, the whores turn the wheel a little more. "I can't spend eternity like that, either," says Clinton. "Show me something better." Satan takes Bill to the last door.

Inside, Kenneth Starr is being held up to the wall with chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky giving him oral sex. Bill smiles. "Yes!" he shouts, "that's for me." Satan smirks and says "Good choice, Mr. President."

He looks down at Monica and says...

"You can get up now, Honey. We've finally found your replacement!"

What's the difference between a porcupine and the White House?
→ With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!

What happened to Chelsea Clinton's younger brother?
→ Monica swallowed him!

Sung to the Oscar Mayer? song:
His baloney has a first name,
It's "I did not inhale."

His baloney has a second name:
"I wasn't getting tail."

He loves to sling it every day,
The White House people all just say,
That Billy Clinton has a way
Of making bullshit sound OK!

Don't steal... The government doesn't like competition!

How are a vending machine and Monica Lewinsky alike?
→ Insert Bill here.

If the prefix "con" is the opposite of the prefix "pro", then is "Congress" the opposite of "progress"?

There was no action at the White House the past few days, hear about this?

Yea, I guess it was labeled a "No Open Fly" zone!