Ouch — best jokes

Two starving homeless men are walking down an empty street in a quiet town. they spy a dead horse on the side of the road and run towards it. the first man begins to eat the horse, but the second man refuses, saying only that he will wait. after the first man has eaten his fill they continue on down the road. eventually the first man gets sick from the horse meat and throws it up. the second man pulls out a napkin from his pocket and exclaims as he sits down: "now THIS is what i've been waiting for! a hot meal!"

A nun is walking down the street, when suddenly a punk jumps out of the bushes and hits her over the head, proceeds to kick her in the groin and break her nose with a massive left hook. As the nun is lying bleeding on the floor, the guy looks down and says:

You're getting slow in your old age, Batman.

A fellow getting a shave asked the barber if he had another razor. "Why?" asked the barber, "Is there something wrong with this one?"

"I don't know." replied the customer. "But I would appreciate a chance to defend myself."

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs into him and kills him.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender cleans his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. The father looks at the bartender in disbelief and asks, "How can you be so cold and callous?"

The bartender says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

An old sea captain with one wooden leg, one hook replacing a missing hand, and one missing eye goes into a bar.

The sailor sitting next to him says, "You're really in bad shape. What happened to your leg?"

"I fell overboard," says the Captain, "and before my mates could pull me aboard, a shark bit it off."

"Terrible," says the sailor. "And what happened to your hand?"

"We attacked a man-o'-war," says the Captain, "and one of the attackees chopped it off with a saber."

"Awful," says the sailor. "And how did you lose your eye?"

"Seagull droppings," says the Captain.

"Amazing," says the sailor. "I didn't know seagull droppings could put your eye out."

"Can't," says the Captain. "But it was my first day with the hook."

There was an airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa. It suddenly had a malfunction and went down. A few weeks later, PepsiCo sent a rescue plane out to look for the lost plane. They found the wreckage but were unable to locate the crew. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash. The Chief says, "Yeah". When asked where the crew was the Chief replied, "We ate the crew and drank the Pepsi." The Rescue crew was shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs and we drank the Pepsi." Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi". After looking totally perplexed for a minute a third added, "Did you...you know...eat their....things"?? The chief says, "No." "No?" asked the rescuers. "NO", replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with COKE!!!"

• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late
• Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
• A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies
• If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes
• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep
• Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
• Super glue is forever
• McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know
• No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water
• Pool filters do not like Jello
• VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do
• Always look in the oven before you turn it on
• The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5 minute response time
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
• It will however make cats dizzy
• Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy

Two So-Cal guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles, a big one and a small one, and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, "this is your asshole before prison......"

What sits at the bottom of the bed and constantly takes the piss???
→ A kidney dialysis machine!

What's Michael Jackson's favorite hobby?
→ Blowing bubbles.