Ouch — best jokes

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.

Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.

A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.

The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Three guys are walking in an abandoned warehouse. They find a genie bottle. They decide to rub it.

A genie pops out. He says, "I will grant you each one wish, but there's a catch. Whatever you wish for, a lawyer will get 2 times more than that."

The first guy says, "I want a million dollars." The genie says, "Are you sure?" He says yes. poof The guy has one million dollars, and a lawyer gets two million.

The second guy says "I want a new car." The genie says, "A lawyer is getting two new cars then." The guy says, "Oh well. I want my car." poof He has a new porche.

The third guy says, "I want to be beaten half to death."

Have you ever seen Pop Idol? One point it was held at an esso gas station.

This irishman came on to do a song. He stood next to the diesel pump, lit the place up and it exploded.

He started singing "I'm Still Standing"!

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

The new man asked, "What happened?"

"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

Why does Helen Keller wear tight pants?
→ So people can read her lips.

What's the definition of AIDS?
→ Anally Injected Death Sentence.

How does Michael Jackson know its time for bed?
→ When the big hand is on the little hand.

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!" The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister" says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster." The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

What's black and white and comes in little cans?
→ Michael Jackson

What's the worst thing about being a paedophile?
→ Having to go to bed so early!