Ouch — best jokes

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. Then when you do criticize that person, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

A Guide to the Identification and Classification of North American Farts

Learning- or better still, thinking up- names for fart types is a traditional early-adolescent ritual. Similarly, methods of identifying the source of a fart are a subject of peer-group, or tribal, speculation, the usual rule of thumb being "Who smelled it, dealt it," or "The smeller's the feller."

Occasionally, this oral tradition has acheived the level of Xerox publication, but never before has a systematic analysis, along the lines of Jane's Fighting ships or A Field Guide to the Birds, been attempted in print. Tentatively, then, we present the following.

• Blind Farts: Traditional noiseless reekers. (Expression since circa 1880 - see also "SBD's").
• Boomers: Full-throated, rousing explosions; the parent orginism frequently betrays his or her authorship with a smile of ill-conceled pride.
• Carpet Creepers: Heavier- than- air creations, these linger and permeate the atmosphere at or near ground level; source invariably anonymous, having left the room.
• Fizzles: Efforts at first promising, but eventually unsatisfactory, at least to the donor; often effective upon bystanders. Often the last of a series; originator betrays disappointment.
• Fudgies: See Wet Ones.
• One-Cheek Sneaks: Attempted surreptitous contributions, usually signified BY the the artist's "tilting". Ricocheting off metal "bridge chairs" or church pews, they posses satisfactory resonance, produce blushes, giggles, glares.
• Poohs: Open-spincter donations, gusty and full-bodied, but lacking sonority; popular on buses; customarily unaknowledged.
• SBD's: (Silent But Deadly type). Consistant with the Law of Conservation of Energy, what SBD lacks in audible qualities is compensated for in a semi-lethal olfactory intensity. The mechanism responsible is usually the innocent-looking person glancing about suspiciously.
• Screamers: High-pitched, tight-spincter offerings, often of astonishing duration and tonal variations; most pleasuribly exchanged among roomates or frat brothers, or inspired by presence of officious bureaucrat.
• Sliders: See One-Cheek Sneaks.
• Squeegies: Small, immature, and moist products. Humiliating for all concerned.
• Wet Ones: (aka Brewer's Farts, Fudgies, Playing Misty). Samples are accompnied by gutteral, rasping, or lisping sound, indicating vaporous content. Originator registers astonishment, dred, then departs, walking funny.
• Whiffers: see Poohs.

Two friends meet each other on the street.

"Hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill.

"Oh, don't ask me! I'm coming from the cemetery. I just burried my mother-in-law" replied Sid.

"I'm so sorry!" said Bill, "But why is your face schratched all over?"

"It wasn't so easy!" said Sid, "She put on a hell of a fight!"

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man.

"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world." "It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?" The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"

One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." "Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line." replied the man.

Here's a sick one...

So at the funeral home, the widow instructs the mortician to cut off her late husband's penis and shove it up his rectum. The mortician objects, but threatening not to pay, he relents. Later, at the coffin closing, the wife bends down to kiss her husband goodbye, and she sees a tear coming from his eye. She says "Hurts doesn't it, you son of a bitch!"

- Mother-in-law: I baked two kinds of cookies today. Would you like to take your pick?

- Son-in-law: No thanks. I'll just use the hammer.

I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months I've developed quite an attachment for her.

It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut!