Random joke from this category
What is the difference between hearing an English horn solo and being tortured?
→ One is far more painful to your ears.
What's the name of a good English horn player?
→ I'll tell you when I meet one.
How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ One, but he gyrates so much, he'll fall off the ladder.
Why is wetting your pants like playing an English Horn?
→ Both give you a warm feeling but no one notices.
A man walks into a shop.
- You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremolo?
- You're a drummer, aren't you?
- Yeah. How'd you know?
- This is a travel agency.
Bob is throwing a party. He decides that, to break the ice at his party, he'll ask his guests what their I.Q. is--hopefully this will strike up an appropriate conversation from there.
The day of Bob's party rolls around, and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what her I.Q. is. "200,000" replies the first guest.
"Well, that's great," says Bob, "let's talk about ethereal astro physics."
Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while.
Later in the party, someone else is at the door. "Hi my name is Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I.Q.?"
The new guest responds with "250".
"Great," says Bob. "Lets talk about advanced math." Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for awhile.
Much later in the party, after many more guests had arrived and been spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arrives at the door. "Hi, my name's Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I.Q.?"
This time the guest replies after putting some thought into it, "five."
"Well, that's great," says Bob, "what kind of drumsticks do you use?"
There's a five pound note on the floor. Of a thrash guitarist, a drummer who keeps good time, and a drummer who keeps bad time, who picks it up?
→ The drummer who keeps bad time. The other drummer doesn't exist, and the thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway.
Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses?
→ So they don't disgrace themselves at the parade.
How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door?
→ The knocking gets slower.
How can you tell when there is a drummer at your front door?
→ The knocking gets faster.
How do you know when a drum solo's really bad?
→ The bass player notices.
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
→ A drummer.
What do you call a drummer who has just broken up with his girlfriend?
→ Homeless.
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
→ Drool.
If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
What's the definition of a nerd?
→ Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet.
Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
→ So they can park in the handicap zones.
What do you call a bass-clarinetist with half a brain?
→ Gifted.
What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
→ Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces.
How do know a clarinet player is playing loud?
→ You can almost hear them.
How do you get a clarinet player to play louder?
→ You can't!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
→ To get away from the bassoon recital.
Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
→ The bassoon burns longer.
What is a burning oboe good for?
→ Setting a bassoon on fire.
Which burns better, an oboe or a bassoon?
→ A bassoon; there's more wood!
How many bassoonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Only one, but they'll insist on going through about 5 bulbs before they find one that suits this particular room and situation.
What are oboes good for?
→ Kindling when burning basoons
Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
→ He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which one.
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first.
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Six. One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.
Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car?
→ It took him four hours to get the bass player out.
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.
This guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks "Wow, this is cool." He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears drums. He tries to go to sleep, yet he hears drums.
This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can't sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk.
When he gets there, he asks the manager, "Hey! What's with these drums. Don't they ever stop? I can't get any sleep."
The manager says, "No! Drums must never stop. It's very bad if drums stop."
"Why?"
"When drums stop...bass solo begins."
How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Only one, but all the others gathered around will complain that that's not the way Earl Scruggs would have done it.
How can you tell the stage you're playing on is level?
→ The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor?
→ You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.
Why do so many fishermen own banjos?
→ They make great anchors!
Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo?
→ They make good paddles.
What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
→ A chain saw has a dynamic range.
What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
→ You can turn off a chainsaw.
What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?
→ One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.
What is the difference between a banjo and a Harley-Davidson motorcycle?
→ You can tune a Harley.
What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun?
→ An Uzi only repeats 40 times.
Why does everyone hate a banjo right off?
→ Saves time.
Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's best friend?
→ Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.
How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
→ By their names.
What is the most seldom heard comment made of banjo players?
→ "Say, isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"
What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?
→ Will the defendant please rise.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
→ To get away from the noise.
What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?
→ Good question. We're still trying to find out too.
Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. -Alfred Hitchcock
How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
→ Shoot one.
What's the definition of a minor second?
→ Two bagpipes playing in unison.
What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
→ No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.
What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
→ You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
→ He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
→ You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
→ To get away from the bagpipe recital.
What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?
→ The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]
What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?
→ Gifted.
What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
→ You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.
How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill Livingston would have done it.
How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ 5-one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style.
If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
→ The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.
How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
→ Add vibrato.
How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
What's the definition of a gentleman?
→ Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.
Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
→ So they can park in handicapped zones.
What's the definition of a quarter tone?
→ A bagpiper tuning his drones.
What do bagpipers use for birth control?
→ Their personalities.
What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
→ The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
What's the range of a bagpipe?
→ Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
→ A bagpiper.
What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
→ Drool.
What's one thing you never hear people say?
→ Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.
Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
→ Moving targets are harder to hit.
How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?
→ No one knows when to come in.
Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer?
→ He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one.
Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
→ They rarely strike the same spot twice.
- Tom: Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?
- Buddy: Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer.
What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
→ A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"
How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
→ Someone is blowing into it.
Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
→ Both are offensive and inaccurate.
