Bagpipe Jokes

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
→ To get away from the noise.

What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?
→ Good question. We're still trying to find out too.

Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. -Alfred Hitchcock

How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
→ Shoot one.

What's the definition of a minor second?
→ Two bagpipes playing in unison.

What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
→ No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.

What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
→ You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
→ He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
→ You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
→ To get away from the bagpipe recital.

What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?
→ The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]

What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?
→ Gifted.

What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
→ You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.

How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill Livingston would have done it.

How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ 5-one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
→ The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
→ Add vibrato.

How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

What's the definition of a gentleman?
→ Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.

Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
→ So they can park in handicapped zones.

What's the definition of a quarter tone?
→ A bagpiper tuning his drones.

What do bagpipers use for birth control?
→ Their personalities.

What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
→ The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

What's the range of a bagpipe?
→ Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
→ A bagpiper.

What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
→ Drool.

What's one thing you never hear people say?
→ Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.

Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
→ Moving targets are harder to hit.

How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?
→ No one knows when to come in.

Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer?
→ He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one.

Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
→ They rarely strike the same spot twice.

- Tom: Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?

- Buddy: Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer.

What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
→ A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
→ Someone is blowing into it.

Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
→ Both are offensive and inaccurate.