Dirty Jokes — best jokes

But everybody looks funny naked!
You woke me up for that?
Did I mention the video camera?
Do you smell something burning?
(In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
Try breathing through your nose.
A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
But whipped cream makes me break out.

- Person 1: This is your first time... right?

- Person 2: Yeah... today.

Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
Can you please pass me the remote control?
Do you accept Visa?
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
So much for mouth-to-mouth.
(Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
(Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
Do you get any premium movie channels?
Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
(Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
Got any penicillin?
But I just brushed my teeth...
Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
I want a baby!
So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
(In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
I think you have it on backwards.
When is this supposed to feel good?
Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
You're good enough to do this for a living!
Is that blood on the headboard?
Did I remember to take my pill?
Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
I wish we got the Playboy channel...
That leak better be from the waterbed!
I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
No, really... I do this part better myself!
It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
This would be more fun with a few more people.
You're almost as good as my ex!
Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
You look younger than you feel.
Perhaps you're just out of practice.
You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
Now I know why he/she dumped you...
Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
What tampon?
Have you ever considered liposuction?
And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
What are you planning to make for breakfast?
I have a confession... I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
Are those real or am I just behind the times?
Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
Is that a hanging sculpture?
You'll still vote for me, won't you?
Did I mention my transsexual operation?
I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
Did you come yet, dear?
I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
Does this count as a date?
Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
Hic! I need another beer for this please.
I think biting is romantic -- don't you?
You can cook, too right?
When would you like to meet my parents?

- Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...

- Woman: Yourself?

Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
(In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off.
Do you have a light?
Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
Sorry but I don't do toes!
You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
Is this a sin too?
I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
Long kisses clog my sinuses...
Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
You mean you're NOT my blind date?

Three nuns were talking one sunny day in June. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash," she replied.

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.

The third nun fainted.

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York.

The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy. "I'll only marry you under three conditions." she said.

"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!" The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France." The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!" The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to. "Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you, if you have a 10 inch tool."

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

What's the difference between light and hard?
→ You can go to sleep with the light on.

What does a vibrator and soybeans have in common?
→ They are both meat substitutes!!!!

Dear Friends,

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers-piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.

On top of all this! Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone.

Love, Santa

Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN?
→ Because she didn't know which one came first!

How can you confuse a blonde?
→ Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

How do blonde brain cells die?
→ Alone.

What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg?
→ Nothing, they never met.

Why did God create blondes?
→ Because sheep can't fetch a beer from the fridge.

Why did God create brunettes?
→ Because the blondes couldn't manage it either.

What do you call a smart blonde?
→ A Golden retriever!

What do you get when you ask a blonde, a penny for your thoughts?
→ Change!

Why do blondes take the pill?
→ So they know which day of the week it is.

Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
→ Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week!

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
→ Gifted.

Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together?
→ They heard that under seventeen weren't admitted!

What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
→ They both have a black box.

How do you get a blonde to marry you?
→ Tell her she's pregnant.

Why did the Blonde get fired at the M & M factory?
→ She threw out all the W's

What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
→ Opens the car door.

How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
→ Kick open the car door.

Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
→ More leg room.

What do blondes say after sex?
→ "Are you boys all in the same band?"

Why is a blonde like a door knob?
→ Because everybody gets a turn.

Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
→ Because she's been laid all over the country.

What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex?
→ Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
→ She drops her nail-file

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
→ Data transfer.

What do you call a basement full of blondes?
→ A wine cellar.

Why are there no dumb brunettes?
→ Peroxide.

What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
→ They're both empty from the neck up.

What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
→ They both wriggle when you eat them.

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
→ From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
→ In case she locks the keys in her car.

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
→ So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
→ You can park in the handicap zone.

What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment?
→ An IN-body experience!

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
→ Humpme Dumpme.

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
→ Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
→ It takes too long to retrain them.

What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
→ You only have to punch information into a computer once.

What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
→ You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.

Why don't blondes eat Jello?
→ They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

Why don't blondes eat bananas?
→ They can't find the zipper.

What will a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
→ Her ankles.

Why don't blondes use vibrators?
→ They chip their teeth.

Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
→ Cause their balls show!

Why do blondes drive BMWs?
→ It's the only car name they can spell.

What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
→ An interpreter.

What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
→ A mental block.

What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
→ Pack their lunch and send them to work.

What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
→ Introduces herself.

How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?
→ Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
→ She fell out of the tree.

What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
→ Locking the car door.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
→ Gifted!

How do blonde braincells die?
→ Alone.

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
→ Pregnant.

How do you brainwash a blonde?
→ Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
→ Artificial intelligence.

Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
→ Because they can't even keep two calves together!

What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
→ Nothing. They've never met.

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
→ Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
→ After a dye job.

Why did God create blondes?
→ Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
→ So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
→ To turn the blinker off.

Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
→ She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
→ She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Why do blondes wear their hair up?
→ To catch everything that goes over their heads.