Dirty Jokes — best jokes

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled "KY Jelly."

A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don't stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product. The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety. The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, "Push up bottom to use."

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch. The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates." The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."

A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says. "I'm sorry but I've given my body to God." she replies and then leaves.

Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack." The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some.

The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you." She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass." The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever.

After it is over he whips off his outfit and says, "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus." With that the nun turns around and says, "Surprise I'm the bus driver."

What's an Australian kiss?
→ The same thing as a French kiss, only down under!

A cucumber and a pickle were having a conversation. The pickle said to the cucumber, "I got it bad man, everytime I get big, fat and juicy I get seasoned and put in a jar."

The cucumber said to the pickle, "Well everytime I get big, fat and juicy I get chopped up and out over salad."

The penis walks by and overhears them and says, "I got it worse than you both. When I get big, fat and juicy I get put in a dark, smelly room and they make me do push-ups till I throw up."

The biology teacher at the all-girls academy was handing back a test on the male anatomy. "I don't understand why you girls can't understand the male sex organ. You've had it pounded into you all semester!"

What's the speed limit of sex?
→ 68 cause at 69 you gotta turn around

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"