Dirty Jokes — best jokes

Four Independence boys, Pugh, Sumter, Kilby and Grayson, were walking down a Clay County road when they came to a high, solid brick wall. Wondering what was behind it, Pugh, Sumter and Kilby boosted Grayson so he could take a look. "Looks like one of them nudist camps," reported Grayson. "Men or women?" asked Pugh. "Can't tell," said Grayson. "They don't have no clothes on."

What did the egg say to the boiling water?
→ "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.

"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."

"Warehouses?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"

What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
→ An insurance company.

Lady Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.

St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."

St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.

St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may go in".

Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I don't?!!!"

"Sorry Dolly" says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day."

This guy comes home from work and when he walks into his bedroom, he finds his wife in bed with 3 other men that he works with.

He says "hello hello hello" And the wife says "what, aren't you talking to me!"

Yo mama's like...

• Yo mama's like a T.V., even a two-year-old could turn her on.
• Yo mama's like a bowling ball. She's picked up, fingered, thrown in the gutter, and then comes back for more.
• Yo mama's like a rifle...four cocks and she's loaded.
• Yo mama's like a bubble gum machine...five cents a blow.
• Yo mama's like Chinese food...sweet, sour, and cheap.
• Yo mama's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece.
• Yo mama's like Burger King... Your way, right away.
• Yo mama's like a squirrel, she's always got some nuts in her mouth.
• Yo mama's like 7-Eleven... open all night, hot to go, and for 89 cents you can get a slurpy.
• Yo mama's like a toilet, fat, white, and smells like shit.
• Yo mama's like the Bermuda Triangle, they both swallow a lot of seamen.
• Yo mama's like a street lamp, you can find her turned on at night on any street corner.
• Yo mama's like a telephone booth, open to the public, costs a quarter, and guys go in and out all day.
• Yo mama's like a 747, she has a very large cockpit.
• Yo mama's like a microwave, one button and she's hot.
• Yo mama's like speakers, loud, ugly, lives in a box, and you can turn her up, down, on, and off.
• Yo mama's like a mail box, open day and night.
• Yo mama's like a bag of potato chips, "Free-To-Lay."
• Yo mama's like a turtle, once she's on her back she's fucked.
• Yo mama's like a paper towel, she picks up all kinds of slimy wet stuff.
• Yo mama's like a bowling ball, you can fit three fingers in.
• Yo mama's like a bowling ball, she always winds up in the gutter.
• Yo mama's like cheap liquor, tastes like shit.
• Yo mama's like an aircraft carrier, has a flat top, a big bottom, cruises up and down the coast, and picks up 100 sailors in every port.
• Yo mama's like a bus, guys climb on and off her all day long.
• Yo mama's like a Christmas tree, everybody hangs balls on her.
• Yo mama's like a door knob, everybody gets a turn.
• Yo mama's like Dominoes Pizza, something for nothing.
• Yo mama's like Dominoes Pizza, one call does it all.
• Yo mama's like Pizza Hut, if she isn't there in 30 minutes... it's free.
• Yo mama's like Sprint, 10 cents a minute anywhere in the country.
• Yo mama's like a carpenter's dream, flat as a board and easy to nail.
• Yo mama's like a gas station... you gotta pay before you pump.
• Yo mama's like a goalie: she changes her pads after three periods.
• Yo mama's like a light switch, even a little kid can turn her on.
• Yo mama's like a telephone, even a 3 year old can pick her up.
• Yo mama's like a postage stamp, you lick her, stick her, then send her away.
• Yo mama's like a dollar bill, she gets handled all across the country.
• Yo mama's like a brick, dirty, flat on both sides, and always getting laid by Mexicans.
• Yo mama's like a race car driver... she burns a lot of rubbers.
• Yo mama's like a railroad track, she gets laid all over the country.
• Yo mama's like a screen door, after a couple of bangs she loosens up.
• Yo mama's like a shotgun, one cock and she blows.
• Yo mama's like a Toyota, "OOooh what a feeling!"
• Yo mama's like a vacuum cleaner... a real good suck.
• Yo mama's like a vacuum cleaner... she sucks, blows, and then gets laid in the closet.
• Yo mama's like an ice cream cone... everyone gets a lick.
• Yo mama's like the Panama Canal, vessels full of seamen pass through her everyday.
• Yo mama's like a refrigerator, everyone puts their meat in her.
• Yo mama's like cake mix, 15 servings per package!
• Yo mama's like an elevator, guys go up and down on her all day.
• Yo mama's like Denny's... open 24 hours.
• Yo mama's like McDonalds... Billions and Billions served.
• Yo mama's like McDonalds... What you want is what you get.
• Yo mama's like mustard, she spreads easy.
• Yo mama's like the Pillsbury dough boy... everybody pokes her.
• Yo mama's like lettuce, $1 a head.
• Yo mama's like a hardware store, 25 cents a screw.

• Your momma is so fat... the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs!
• Yo momma is so ugly, she entered and ugly contest and one of the judges said "Sorry... No proffessionals allowed!!!"
• Yo momma's so fat, when the lord said "Let There Be Light", he had to ask her to move over!
• Yo mama's teeth are so yellow that when she smiles, people SLOW DOWN!
• Yo mama is so fat, she walked into a resturant took one look at the menu and said, "yes please!"
• Yo momma so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale!
• Yo momma's so fat she had to get baptised at Sea World!
• Whenever your mamma farts, she causes a continental drift!
• Yo momma's so fat even if she was the last person alive, the world would still be over populated!

What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian?
→ One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

Once a couple were on vacation. The husband was lying on the beach facing downwards on his stomach & the wife was patting him on his butt. He happened to ask her what she was doing, she said "I`m playing the Tabla" He turned around & told her "Alright now you can start playing the flute".

The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?" Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any. She glanced down and said, "Nice design, does it also come in men's sizes?"