Dirty Jokes — best jokes

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Mypenis?

• Mypenis ate my homework.
• Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
• Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
• I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
• Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
• Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
• I love giving Mypenis a bath.
• At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands.
• Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
• Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.
• Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
• Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
• Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
• I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
• I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
• Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
• I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
• Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.
• If Mypenis was a weiner dog, he would be long and hairy and hard to carry.
• Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.
• Help! I can't find Mypenis!
• Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
• Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.
• Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
• Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!
• Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis.
• When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.
• Stop kicking Mypenis.
• When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be blown.
• Mypenis is truly man's best friend.
• Beware of Mypenis. He's carrying a disease.
• People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but even better when standing at attention.
• Mypenis: the crotch-sniffer.
• There's nothing like a well-trained bitch for Mypenis.
• I've trained Mypenis to jump through hoops.
• Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.
• Excuse me - I need a muzzle for Mypenis.
• Sorry I'm late, but Mypenis kept me up howling all night...

What is a man's idea of safe sex?
→ A padded headboard.

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
→ A penis gives hours of fun, and a prick owns the penis.

Lawyers do it with appeal.

Lawyers do it confidentially.

Lawyers do it on a trial basis.

Lawyers do it until justice prevails.

Lawyers do it as long as you can pay them.

Lawyers do it unless it is prohibited by law.

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.

"Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

What do a lawyer and sperm have in common?
→ They both have a one in a million chance of being human.

Your dad's like cement, it takes him two days to get hard!

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur / bodyguard for his 18-year-old nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have an adjoining room. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."