Dirty Jokes — best jokes

Cronin goes to a barber shop to get his hair cut. The barber cuts his hair, and after he gets done, as Cronin gets up and is taking out his money, the barber goes over and takes a leak in the corner of the barber shop. The barber finishes and comes back.

As Cronin hands him a twenty-dollar bill, he says:

- Listen, it's...it's none of my business, but...why would you take a piss in the corner of your barber shop?

The barber says:

- Hey, my lease is up in two weeks...do I care?

The barber goes over to the cash register, rings up the haircut, and comes back with Cronin's change. When he comes back, Cronin's standing there taking a shit on the floor.

The barber says:

- What are you doing?

Cronin says:

- Well, fuck, I'm leaving now.

Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon.

- Shit - said the first bloke,

- as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's knickers off!

- What's the rush? - his mate asked.

- The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me - the bloke replied.

This elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girls from a local brothel, and as she passed by, she asked one girl what the lineup was for. the girl shrugged and said, jokingly:

- cough drops and snickered.

Just then the cop approached the old gal and said:

- What are you doing here, m'am?

The woman pulled herself up to her full height oF 4'4 and replied:

- Well, I can suck em can't I?

Jones is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad.

The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves.

Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says:

- Dear Mr. Jones, All is forgiven. Just tell us... where is it?

Man in a pub:

- If you went camping and woke up in the morning with a bloody condom hanging out of your arse, would you tell anyone? - Other man, - Bloody hell, no!

First man:

- Want to come camping?

Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman was awaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch.

Santa declined, saying:

- Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know.

Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear.

- OH Santa, won't you please stay? - she begged.

Taking a long look, Santa sighed and delivered a not too believable:

- Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know.

Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining clothing, smiled and said in the sexiest voice imaginable:

- Oh, Santa, please reconsider? Stay with me?

With a very pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said very slowly:

- Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know.

And with that, he turned and left. Two minutes passed, and Santa reappeared, plopping himself down on the couch next to the beautiful girl.

- Santa! You decided to stay! - she exclaimed gleefully.

Santa grinned and said:

- Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney THIS way!

A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee.

The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner.

The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty. As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee. The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full.

After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him:

- How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?

The man says:

- Two's fine.

She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup.

- And cream? - she asks.

The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says:

- You wouldn't dare!

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king:

- I brought ten apples.

The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries.

When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked:

- Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?

The second one replied:

- I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doing just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all those watermelons!

Two nuns go to a restaurant to have dinner. They notice Rocky Mountain Oysters on the menu and wondered what that was.

They ask the waiter who replies:

- Oh Sister, those are nuts.

She answers:

- Do you mean like the kind you crack with a rock?

- No. The kind you rock on a crack.

A man walks into a jewellers shop, unzips his trousers and places his tool upon the counter. The lady serving says: "I'm sorry Sir, this is a clock shop not a cock shop." "Well, put two hands and a face on this." replies the man.