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Hair Spray Worm

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says:

- Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.

The grandfather replies:

- I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says:

- Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.

The grandfather replies:

- I know. That's from your grandma.

On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals concerning their "urges". The lady said:

- If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don't want it, squeeze my BOOB twice.

The gent said:

- OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don't want it, pull my DONG 48 times.

Migraine Cure

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.

When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

says the Doctor:

- Listen, I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin:

- Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!

says the physician:

- Well, I'm glad I could help.

- By the way, Doc, - the patient adds, - you have a REALLY nice house.

ZipperGate Update

In a deal engineered by veteran mouthpieces Stein and Cacheris, Ms. Lewinsky has apparently headed off possible perjury charges by offering a full throated confession to Kenneth Starr. Sources close to the investigation report Starr is pumping Ms. Lewinsky for details concerning an oral pact with Mr. Clinton to withhold evidence. Although the independent prosecutor's team will drill Monica prior to her testimony, beltway observers do not anticipate a full dress rehearsal.

Guide To Sex For Virgins

As a young, modern virgin of the nineties, you no doubt have many questions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this sensitive and frank "question and answer" format, noted sex therapist Dr Ruth explains everything you've ever wondered about.

Where can I find the man of my dreams?
→ This is a difficult question, since every virgin probably has a different ideal of what their own personal Prince Charming should act and look like. However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can give you a good suggestion on where to start - and that's in a bar. That's right, go to a bar... preferably the kind that smells of stale beer and lots of men crowded around watching a sports event on television. Pick a man that looks interesting - it's best to stay away from the shallow "pretty boys" in designer clothes with bulging muscles. Instead, I recommend you pick somebody a little older and wiser, possibly reassuring pot belly. Boldly approach him, offer to buy him a few beers, then invite him back to your place. He'll advise you from there.

How do I know if I found Mr Right?
→ Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I suggest you try out many different kinds of men and many different kinds of bars.

Do men like aggresive virgins?
→ Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often shy - so it's up to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don't be afraid to approach men on streetcorners, in restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the ice with simple "hello", followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks - even an expensive gift. Then invite them to back to your place.

What if a man's married?
→ Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuable experience a married man possesses, without being tied down by any sort of commitment.

But what if I fall in love with a married man?
→ This is a tough one, especially if you're a woman and find yourself pregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and family. If he says his wife doesn't understand him and he's thinking of leaving her, believe him and continue your relationship, secure in the knowledge that he'll soon make good his promise. Married men rarely lie about such important matters.

How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
→ Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, experienced men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as virgins. It's a proven fact.

Should I have sex on the first date?
→ YES. Before if possible.

What exactly happens during the act of sex?
→ Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

How long should the sex act last?
→ This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

What is "afterplay"?
→ After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Does the size of the penis matter?
→ Yes. Although many virgins believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven centimeters or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

What about the orgasm?
→ What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

Are you sure?
→ Will you stop asking so many questions? Do you distrust experienced men or something? Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend by going out and buying him an expensive gift.

An Airman's Knee Problem

There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation. The first doctor said:

- We'll just take a big hunk off the end.

They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor said:

- We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it.

They discussed this, and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said:

- We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it.

They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him erection problems.

The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried:

- Can't we just make his legs longer?

Naming Your Dog

Everybody has a dog called Rover or Spot. I call my dog "Sex". When I went to city hall to buy a licence I told the clerk I wanted a licence for Sex. He said:

- I'd like one too.

But then I said:

- This is a dog.

He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said:

- You don't understand I've had Sex since I was nine years old.

He said:

- You must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife, me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said:

- You don't understand Sex keeps me awake at night.

The clerk said:

- Me too.

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets.

- But you don't understand - I said.

I hoped to have Sex on T.V. He called me a show off.

When my wife and I seperated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said:

- Your honor, I had Sex before I was married.

The judge said:

- Me too.

Then I told him that after I was married Sex left. He said:

- Me too.

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked:

- What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?

I said I'm looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.

A Midget At The Party

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.

After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment.

- I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget - said the woman.

- Especially with the size difference and all.

- Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes - said the midget.

The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her.

Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.

- If you think that was good - said the midget with a smirk.

- Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!

Limp In My Hand

It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin. I slid it between my fingers until I got to the end of it. I was turning it on. It became firm in my hands, and the end was wet. Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.

Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.

Active Sex Life

A man went to a sex doctor and told him of his extremely active sex life. He said He had a wife, several mistresses, masturbated, and had wet dreams all the time. The doctor asked which he liked best.

He Replied:

- Wet Dreams, you meet a much higher class of people in them.